A Friendly Subject

Hi all,

I've just got round to reading
the last few posts, and they
did make me smile out loud.
So thanks to Keith, Baby Sis, and Mrs C.

Emmanuel.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will
remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So
when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Bir thday!" It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose
instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do
We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

I gave the Mrs. a surprise birthday party . . . and it wasn't ANYTHING like that . . . thank goodness!

Chester

Yes, that was fiction!!!

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldogSpike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See Men just don't listen

Baby Sis - it's a man thing!:sport_box:
Cheers - Jay

Three men decide to join the FBI. They pass all of the tests and are ready to be agents, but they must pass one last test. The instructor says to the men that sometimes we have to kill and to see if you will kill, we have each of your wives sitting in a chair in a room. The instructor says to the first guy,"Take this gun and kill your wife." The first guy goes in, shuts the door and in a few minutes he comes out and says he can't kill the woman he loves. The second guy goes in and a few minutes later he comes out and says he can't kill the mother of his children. The instructor says to the third guy, "You know what to do." The third guy says,"say no more." He goes into the room, shuts the door and BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! Silence. Then there was crashing, banging, and all sorts of loud noises. Silence. The third guy came out and the instructor asked what happened. Third guy says,"You didn't tell me you put blanks in the gun so I had to beat her to death with the chair!" I really hope I don't get kicked off after sharing that one.

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
>>got nothing to put in it. She
>>said .. . You wear pants don't you?
>>
>>He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
>>She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
>>ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
>>
>>He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
>>grocery money I gave you?
>>She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


>>On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
>>me everywhere" Written just below it . " I do not"

>>Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the
>>future?
>>A.He buys two cases of beer.


>>Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
>>beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
>>But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
>>dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

#5....that's me.....so far so good

This one is for everyone who ...a) has kids,b) had kids,c) was a
kid,d) knows a kide) is going to have kids.I guess that means all
of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my
business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful
time playing on thebed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
this", and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her
entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth
and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"pretending to eat
them.Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was
standing onthe bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on
her face.I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, What happened
to my booger?

Oh my goodness!

Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of the river. One blonde says to the other blonde,"How do I get across?" The other blonde says,"You're already across!"

Don't go horse back ridin'

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long
been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after

Experienced Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $5.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, stretched its neck, and said, "New house ... new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,
That's not so bad."

Later her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, ruffled its feathers, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."

The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. As he closed the door behind him, the bird stretched its neck, ruffled its feathers, and said, "Hi, George."

Chester

P.S. The original of this joke had the bird say, "Hi, Keith," but we thought it best to change the name to George. Hope none of you is named George . . .

Just got this in an email, and HAD to share! I hope nobody is offended. It just really tickled my funnybone (my parents are Catholic). The title is

"How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast"

Mrs. C

Hi

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and Lose) he wrote on a piece of paper. "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 9:00am and he had missed his flight. Furious he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:am. Wake up.


Regards

Arthur

Hi

Just found these

A man studies his wedding cerificate for hours until his wife asks "What are you doing? He says "I can't find the expiry date"


First Man: I'm going to the doctor, I don't like the look of my wife".
Second Man: "I'll come with you I hate the sight of mine".


How do you kill an entire circus?
Go for the juggler.







Regards

Arthur

The Blonde Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.

The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.
The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.
At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan.