A Friendly Subject

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  • Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

    Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.

    Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all their a**es out the window and make 56 million people very happy.'

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Edited once, last by chester7777: clean up 'objectionable' language ().

  • there are 2 older ladies talking, one says to the other.... im having a milk bath tonight.... the other says ...... pasteurized .... the first replys ... no just up to my belly button .

    cheers smokey

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

  • there are 2 older ladies talking, one says to the other.... im having a milk bath tonight.... the other says ...... pasteurized .... the first replys ... no just up to my belly button .

    cheers smokey


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! :teeth_smile:

    "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on."

  • Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central
    Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.


    Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was
    Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays.


    The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
    problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
    priest.
    The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux
    convert to Catholicism.


    After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass...
    and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
    born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."


    Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
    arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.


    The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed
    into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
    stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
    "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

    "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on."

  • An irish family have been found frozen to death outside the Dublin Odeon. They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter' :wink_smile:

  • Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

    Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

    When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

    They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

    Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

    But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

    She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

    When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from
    Ireland.

    And the greasy guys from
    France
    called the French Fries.


    And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

    Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and
    wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

    Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to
    IdahoP.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

    But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

    Tom Brokaw!

    Mr. and
    Mrs. Potato were very upset.

    They told Yam she couldn't possibly
    marry Tom Brokaw because he's just . . . . . .

    Are you ready for this?


    Are you sure?


    *

    *

    OK! Here it is!


    *

    *

    *

    *

    He's just A COMMONTATER!



  • How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


    GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining. The day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?



    BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.



    DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!



    ROTTWEILER: Make me.



    LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?



    GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.



    TIBETIAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.



    JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.




    POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



    COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.



    DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.



    BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark....



    CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.



    IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....



    POINTER: I see it. There it is. There it is, right there....



    GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?



    AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...



    OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb....



    HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




    How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?




    CAT: Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be I before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? Will you hurry up?!




    ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

  • COLLEGE ASSIGNMENT


    A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions stated the short story had to contain the following three things:
    1. Religion
    2. Sexuality
    3. Mystery
    Below is the only A+ short story in the class:
    "Good God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it?" :ohmy:

  • Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, et al:


    We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know, we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but, sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot, and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own way.


    Here is a model separation agreement:


    Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.


    We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.)


    We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .


    You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks, and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.


    We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everyone health care, if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum By Ya, or We Are the World.


    We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.


    Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots, and if you do not agree, just hit delete.


    In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


    Sincerely,
    "Omitted"
    Law Student and an American


    P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda.

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2009
    Number 10

    Life is sexually transmitted.




    Number 9



    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.




    Number 8
    Men have two emotions:



    Hungry and Horny.
    If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich
    .




    Number 7
    Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
    teach a person to use the internet



    and they won't bother you for weeks.




    Number 6
    Some people are like a Slinky .
    . .
    Not really good for anything, but
    you still can't help but smile



    when you shove them down the stairs.




    Number 5
    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
    lying in hospitals dying
    of nothing.




    Number 4
    All of us could take a lesson from the weather.



    It pays no attention to Criticism.




    Number 3
    Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00



    and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?




    Number 2
    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.



    Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


    And The Number 1 Thought For 2009 :



    We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?




    " Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers



    What you do today, might Burn Your A** tomorrow


  • I got this in a email, thought it was kinda funny, but then Im a farmer so my humor might be a little different. Thought maybe Stumpy might like this.

    This is a manure spreader, its the only piece of equipment John Deere made that they wouldnt stand behind:teeth_smile:.

  • I got this in a email, thought it was kinda funny, but then Im a farmer so my humor might be a little different. Thought maybe Stumpy might like this.

    This is a manure spreader, its the only piece of equipment John Deere made that they wouldnt stand behind:teeth_smile:.



    He's the top BS artist in Washington, that's for sure. And with all the others up there, that's a noteworthy, very dubious achievement.

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • Steve, Great humor, unfortunately one will have to have a much, much,
    larger spreader for what is coming !


    In this same vein, here's another one,


    The American Farmer and Business Owner A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
    “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
    “Well,” replied the rancher, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”
    “That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.
    “That would be me,” replied the farmer.