A Friendly Subject

God was missing for six days. Eventually Michael the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

Michael inquired, "Where have you been?"


God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."


Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"


"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."


"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."


God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor.. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."


God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, pointed to a land area & said, "What's that?"

"That's the state of Texas, a glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers,mountains, streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. People from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."


Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's Washington DC; wait until you see the idiots I've put there.

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Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's Washington DC; wait until you see the idiots I've put there.

There are times I honestly think, that's the truth.

A Powerful Message from Stevie WonderOn Michael Jackson’s Death…
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Deep stuff hey? I nearly cried when he said “. ... . . .. .. … .. ... . . .... ....”

I'm ashamed to say that I got a real good chuckle out of that!

[FONT=Palatino, Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=+2]Billable hours[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Palatino, Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=+1]A lawyer's accomplishment[/SIZE][/FONT][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE]
A trial lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. Peter greeted him warmly. Then, Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

That was a good chuckler.

Not so easy for me to do this in english, but I hope it will work:

An engineer dies and, because he wasn´t good all his life, God said, that he has to go to purgatory for some time, before they let him go to heaven.

So the engineer spends his first day in purgatory and sees all those thirsty people full of sweat working in a hot room shovelling coal into hell´s fire and he thinks: “ Oh, that´s hard! I will build a drinks machine for them.” And so he did.

The next week the engineer thought: “It´s much better here in purgatory now, but these poor souls are all still full of sweat and dirt. I will build a whirlpool for them!” And so he did.

A few weeks later the engineer thought: “Purgatory has now become a much better place for the poor souls, but it´s still too hot here. I will build an air-conditioning plant for them!” And so he did.

A few days later God said to the devil: “The engineer has now spent enough time in purgatory. Give him back to me, so that he can go to heaven.” But the devil answers: “No, I won´t! This engineer is great, and purgatory has become a nicer place since he is here. I never will give him to You!”

So God became angry and said: “Devil, I will sue You for giving me not back this engineer!” The devil grinned and answered: “O.K., but first have a look if You can find ONE lawyer in heaven…”

Great Lawyer stories. Another lawyer story.

A lawyer died broke ( I know that's unlikely) without enough money to pay for a burial. A neighbourhood good Samaritan went around to all the people living close by and asked for a donation to bury the lawyer.

He knocks on one door and a little old lady answers.

The good Samaritan tells her he wants $5 for a dead lawyer.

She goes to her purse and gets out the $5 and hands it to him. "So " she says "$5 and you guarantee the lawyer is dead. Sounds like a bargain to me"

You know one of Shakespeare's greatest lines was "First let's kill all the lawyers"

dee

FOX is already cowering down to the President .....

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Blacks and Hispanics on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week. :teeth_smile:

Had to translate this...

God creates Adam. And then Eve.
Says Adam: You have made her very attractive.
Says God: Yes, you have to like her.
Says Adam: And she is also so soft and fresh.
Says God: Yes, you have to like her.
Says Adam: One more thing, I think she is a little silly.
Says God: Yes, she has to like you.

Again translated.

A woman anwsers the phone and hears a male voice: " Hello darling, I have a meeting tonight and I don't think I will be home before midnight."
- "Allright darling"¨*silence*
- "Did you hear what I said?"
- "Yes darling, you have a meeting tonight and won't be home before midnight" *silence*
- "Excuse me, madam, I have the wrong number."

Quote from Dukesfan

Not so easy for me to do this in english, but I hope it will work

Quote from Moonshine_Sally

Had to translate this...

Quote from Moonshine_Sally

Again translated.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to translate! You both did a fine job, and picked some good jokes, too!

Mrs. C

[FONT=Palatino, Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=+2]View of art[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Palatino, Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=+1]A painting of Adam and Eve

[/SIZE][/FONT]A Brit, an Italian and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Italian disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are Italian."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

Stumpy, your joke reminds me of a joke . . .

Q. How do we know that Isaac must have been a young boy when God asked Abraham to offer him up as a sacrifice?

A. Because if he'd been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice!

On a side note, I realized upon the 13th birthday of my youngest son (but not my youngest child) in May, that I have been the mother of one or more teenagers since 1993 (and will continue that distinction until 2018).

Mrs. C

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey!" she said, "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Quote from chester7777

I have been the mother of one or more teenagers since 1993 (and will continue that distinction until 2018).

I sure don't envy you, Sue.

The wife and I have been empty nesters since 1989 and really enjoy it, me more so than the wife. She has such a strong mothering instinct though that she was absolutely miserable for many years because she had no one to take care of. It bothered her so much that she started trying to mother me, which drove me up the wall. Even today, she's always trying to wait on me and do things for me that I can do myself. I don't know how many times I've told her "Just leave me alone - I can do it myself". I suppose there are many men who would enjoy being waited on by their wives but I'm not one of 'em.

She does the same thing when our kids come to visit - always catering to their every need. I told her "Hey, they don't have a broken leg." :teeth_smile:

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy , I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then -
I finished my tour in Ireland. I decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."

"Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call .."

Quote from chester7777

The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call .."

Ireland is a place I've never been but I'd sure like to visit there. My ancestral roots are Scotch-Irish and I feel close to those folks.