Posts from SXViper in thread „A Friendly Subject“

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman , Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East .
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it's a-comin'.

Good one, problem is most of them couldn't figure out how to load it!!

Quote from Stumpy

While out driving the other day, I saw the sign shown below:




Out of curiosity, I called the toll-free number shown on the sign and guess who showed up?

A Mexican with a tow truck.

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OMG!!!!:teeth_smile::teeth_smile:

As the rest of the country changes their clocks once again in accordance with the laws of daylight savings time, we in Arizona do not change our clocks at any time. Perhaps it is better explained this way, as a wise old Arizona Indian chief once said when daylight savings was explained to him:

"Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."

Buying Monkeys -

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to
the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10
and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the
efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 !
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant
would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can
sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their
savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the "700 billion economic
bailout plan" works !!!

Her 4th Wedding

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the
sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color
are you looking for?

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our
way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never
spoke to each other again.

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened.'

Police Dept. Applicant Test

[INDENT]

A man, having applied to join the Clovis, New Mexico, police force, is being interviewed.

The Chief says, "Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you."

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, "Take this gun with 13 bullets, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a rabbit."

The man asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Fantastic attitude!" says the Chief, "When can you start?"

[/INDENT]

Breaking News - Walmart Ammo

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama and Tennessee have sold out of
ammunition as of last week. A reliable source said that one of the
purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they
sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama or Tennessee.

BAD AMERICAN

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

Now that was a good one Stumpy.......

That's getting forwarded to everyone on my email list!!!

Oh my god Chester!!!

All I can say is, "Been there, done that!!!!!!"

Quote from Stumpy

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he s tops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!!!!!!!

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

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You notice this originated in Minneapolis? Unfortunately it is not far off from the truth. Minnesota thinks it needs to bring everyone here for welfare hand outs, thank god its cold part of the year up here so it keeps alot of the riff raff out!!!

A carolina couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

Some elderly jokes!!!!


An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Yes, that was fiction!!!

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will
remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So
when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Bir thday!" It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose
instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do
We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Thanks Keith and Robbie. That's kind of what I was thinking as well.

Thanks for showing that clip. Does anybody know what year that episode ran? Had to of been in the late 60's I am guessing.

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl