Posts from dukefan1 in thread „A Friendly Subject“

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Quote from Hawkswill

LOL Mark, reminds me of when me and the boys were free diving for lobster off N. Miami Beach in about 30 feet of water, (free diving now.....no tanks, just hold your breath and come up and breathe out of your snorkle). We were using Hawaiian slings for lobster......not exactly legal, LOL. Had about 40. Two Marine patrol boats swooped around our little twelve foot aluminum john boat. We were below and heard and saw the boats. So, Billy came to each of us, grabbed all the lobster we had, put them into his shortie wetsuit, (no Mark...you won't get me on this...he had a tank suit under the shortie, LOL, HAH), and stuffed it under a coral head........then, up we went. MP guys were all for taking us and the boat to jail. Billy said it was his boat.....could only take him. Well, they did, and let us take the boat to shore. Later, we went back for the lobster, and Billy was released on his own recognizance, (fireman and Med Tech). He went to court.......no evidence.......LOL....LOVED IT! KEITH Check out the first user review on THree Bad Men!

Careful what you post on the web, Keith. They may still be looking for you, ya ol' law breaker! lol

Mark

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Maybe it was fixed, Stumpy. I see it also. Or maybe we are just special

Mark

One day a man saw his friend walking his way with both his ears bandaged up. When they got closer, he asked his friend what happened.

"Well", his friend said, "I was home drinking rather heavy last night while the wife was ironing some clothes. The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron and held it to my ear."

"Ouch", replied the first man. "That had to hurt. How did you hurt the other ear?"

"You won't believe this", his friend said, "but the idiot called back!"

REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.

2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.

3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.

4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?
· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
· Could we run away?
· What does my wife think?
· What about the kids?
· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
· What does the law say about this situation?
· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
· Should I call 9-1-1?
· Why is this street so deserted?
· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
· This is all so confusing!

I'm ashamed to say that I got a real good chuckle out of that!

Thanks for the laugh, Stumpy. That was great. :teeth_smile:

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ' Dad .' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad .
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad . She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad , I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home

I have been meaning to get some chores done around the house. I'll be stopping in at Home Depot for supplies today. Just gotta make a stop at Wallmart first.

That'a a funny story, Sumpy. Thanks for the laugh!

Mark

PROVERBS

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

That was sooooooo funny. You know why that was sooooo funny? Because it's true!

Thanks for the laugh, I love a good chuckle.

Mark

In another topic, the tragedy of how the American Indian was wronged in the history of the West came up. It reminded me of a cartoon my future Son-In-Law (who's an Indian) shared with me. I got a good chuckle out of it, so I thought I'd share it with the group.

Mark

Count me in!

Thanks for the laugh, Stumpy!

Mark

Thanks for the laughs, Jim. Is that for a company out west? I never seen these out east here. Very imaginative and funny.

Mark

Great find! Thanks for sharing that with us. And like you, Chester, my first thought was who I was going to share that with. Guarenteed to bring a smile and a laugh. :teeth_smile:

Mark