Posts from arthurarnell in thread „A Friendly Subject“

Hi

At the risk of upsetting everybody in the world I offer the following:-

Terrorist Threat Levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'A bit cross'. The English have not been 'A bit cross' since the blitz in1940 when tea levels all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-catagorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A bloody nuisance' a warning level last used during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their level threat from'Annoyed' to 'Lets get the B******s'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it had raised its terror level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higer levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The risk was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change sides'.

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They also have to higer levels. 'Invade a country' and 'Lose'.

Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautiful designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive stikes, on all their allies, just in case.

And in the colonies

New Zealand has also raised its security level from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA! Due to continuing defence cuts (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Ministers bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation which is 'Oh No, I hope Australia will come and rescue us In the evet of invasion, new Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a stategis defensive position called 'Bondi@

Australia meanwhile has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright mate'. Three more escalation levels remain. 'Crikey' 'I think we need to cancel the barbi this weekend' and 'The barbi is cancelled'. so far no situation has warrented the use of the final escalation level.

Regards and A Happy Christmas

Arthur

Hi


in olden times a boy was watching a fox cub drinking water from a river. Suddenly a huge pike leaps out of the river and grabs hold of the cubs head. Tne cub grabs hold of the pike and with neither letting go they kill each other.
The boy thinks this is amazing and decided to take the fox and the pike to show the king.
On reaching the palace the boy is stopped by the kings steward who demands to know what the boy wants.
On being told he tells the boy that he will let him see the king on condition that he receives half of whatever the king gives to the boy.
The king sees the boys gift and is overjoyed. he tells the boy that he can have anything he desires.
he boys turns to the king and says "I'll have 100 lashes.


Regards

Arthur

Hi

What do you call a penguin in the desert - lost

Regards

Arthur

Hi

Why did David Hasselhoff shorten his name to Hoff? Because he didn't want the hassle.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall - Dam



Regards

Arthur

Hi Jim

Great thanks.

Regards

Arthur

Hi

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender have you seen my brother?
The bartender replies I don't know what does he look like?

An elephant looking at a naked man says how do you breathe through one that small.

Regards

Arthur

Hi Jim

Brilliant

Regards

Arthur

Hi

I could never understand algebra. As far as I knew it was if you multiply an apple by an orange you'll get a bunch of cherries. I thought all you got was a fruit salad.

Regards

Arthur

Hi

A Frenchman, a Scot and and Irishman are lying in a mortuary. The Coroner looks at the bodies and notices that they are all smiling. He asks why are they smiling.
The attendant explains
The Frenchman was making love to his mistress at the exact moment he died.
The Scot found out that he had just won the lottery
And the irishman had just been struck by lightning.
The Coroner says why would being struck by lightning make him smile.
The attendant explained'
He thought he was having his picture taken.

Regards

Arthur

Hi

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all of the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions filled, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.



Regards

Arthur

Hi

Being British

Being British is about driving a German Car to an Irish Pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian Curry or a Turkish Kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? A suspicion of all things foreign.

Only in Britain can a Pizza get to your house quicker than an ambulance

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET Coke.

Regards

Arthur

Hi

Just found these

A man studies his wedding cerificate for hours until his wife asks "What are you doing? He says "I can't find the expiry date"


First Man: I'm going to the doctor, I don't like the look of my wife".
Second Man: "I'll come with you I hate the sight of mine".


How do you kill an entire circus?
Go for the juggler.







Regards

Arthur

Hi

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and Lose) he wrote on a piece of paper. "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 9:00am and he had missed his flight. Furious he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:am. Wake up.


Regards

Arthur

Hi

Talking about golf:-

two men are playing a round of golf up ahead they see two women playing. One man turns to the other and says do you mind if we go on ahead of them. the other man asked why and he replied its rather embarrasing one of those woman is my wife and the other is my mistress.
The other man looks at the two women turns to his friend and says

What a coincidence.

Regards

Arthur

Hi

If a certain breed of dog is known as a German Shepherd, whats a German Shepherd known as?

Arthur

Hi

Talking of cars

A Texan rancher is talking to a British farmer. The ranchers asks the farmer how big his spread is and the farmer tells him five hundred acres. The rancher replies.
Shoot, on my ranch I get into my car and it takes me three days and three nights to drive round my spread.
The farmer replies.
Yes I had a car like that once.

Regards

Arthur

Hi Stumpy

Who do think the Bostonians learned it from :lol:

Regards

Arthur

A soldier is walking through a car park of a big supermarket when he comes across a lady in a state of agitation.
He asks her what is the matter and she explains that she has left her keys inside of her car, and that she has spent a lot of money on some frozen goods that will be ruined if she doesn't get them home.
The soldier says don't worry leave it to me and puts his leg against the car door, which immdeiately springs open.
The woman says that amazing how did you do that.
The soldier replies it lucky I had my Khaki trousers on.

Regards

Arthur

A man walks into a bar

He says ouch!

It was an Iron bar

Regards

Arthur

Hi all

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a person who contributed so much to our world of enjoyment which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Regards

Arthur