A blonde woman was walking on the beach when she suddenly heard a cry for help. When she looked out in the water she saw the man crying for help swimming with a shark circling around him. She had to giggle a little bit to herself since there was no way that shark was going to help the man.
Posts from Popol Vuh in thread „A Friendly Subject“
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Here is a really bad one:
Did you know that research has proven that diarrohea is hereditary?
Scientists say that it runs in your jeans.
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I bet it was the Mrs. who was behind this one? Seems like her type of humor. I like it.
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I'm not sure if this one is appropriate here, but here it goes anyway. It's supposed to be a true story (well who knows).
A tourist in a lower class apartment hotel in one of the Spanish tourist places had to take a trip to the toilet. After doing his business he flushed, but one big piece of his production wouldn't go down the pipes. He flushed repeatedly but this particular piece
wouldn't budge. Well the man went down to the reception to tell them about the problem. Well this represented a problem since the tourist didn't speak Spanish and the person in the reception only spoke a few words of English. After trying for a while to explain this using words and sign language the person in the reception and the cleaning
people had no idea what had happened, but had a notion that cleaning personnel was wanted, so the man had not only one but two cleaning ladies following him up to his room. When the three arrived in the toilet the man pointed down into the toilet so the ladies could see what was in it. He then flushed, and of course this time the stubborn
piece disappeared. -
Strange sense of humor Mrs. C?
Me too.
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Ok. This one is really stupid. You have been warned.
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting
through a dustbin.Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
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.BUMP........
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BUMP........
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Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement,
through the driving rain,
he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
his road.
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes,
as the box approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape
more clearly....It was
a
coffin.Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head
down and started
walking briskly home.
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BUMP........
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BUMP........
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.BUMP........
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.He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started
walking faster.........
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.BUMP........BUMP......
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.BUMP........BUMP......
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BUMP........BUMP......
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The coffin was closing with his every step, he
started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him......
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BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
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BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
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BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
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He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
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BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....
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Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew
the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he
pulled out his keys, his
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived
inside slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room,
and slumped into
his comfy chair.Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin
smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock
off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it
continued its chase.....
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his
shaking legs could take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
door........
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the
landing and launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash,
the bathroom door flew
off its hinges.....The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
approach the young
terrified lad.
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached
for his bathroom cabinet......He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw
it at the
coffin.......still it came ........
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it
........still it came......
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
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He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still
it came......
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BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
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The coffin stopped. -
Not all lawyers are that bad. This is the story of a very nice lawyer.
One day a lawyer came down the road in a limousine. When passing a man standing in a field with tall grass he asked his driver to stop.
“What are you doing?” the lawyer asked.
“Well you see I have no money for food so I am eating grass” the man in the field replied.
“That is a shame! That is really a shame! Why don’t you come home with me? Get into the car” said the lawyer.
The man in the field lightened up but said “No, I couldn’t do that because you see my wife is here eating grass too.”
“Oh no! That is really a shame. Have her come along to!” said the lawyer.
The man looked a little bothered and answered “No, I couldn’t do that. You see I have eight children here eating grass too.”
“Oh my God” said the lawyer “That is the most tragic thing I have ever heard! What a shame! Tell you what. Have them all get into the limo.”
The man looked gratefully at the lawyer and said “You must be the nicest man I have ever met!”
The lawyer replied “Think nothing of it my friend. The grass in my garden is almost two feet high!” -
Good one Hondo! Another oldie:
How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving <_<
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I stole this from another forum, but if you don't tell I won't:
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in American high school essays (allegedyl):
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
