Posts from Stumpy in thread „A Friendly Subject“

    And we'd finally have universal healthcare!;)

    At Hartsfield-Jackson, they sell tickets to all the European countries and the Peoples' Republic of Massachusetts every day, Paula. You should emigrate to a locale with an ideological environment more to your liking. :laugh:

    Robbie, I love it. And as a lifelong Anglophile, I could even almost embrace the idea. :wink_smile:

    Let's face it, her Majesty beats the hell out of what we have now.

    How DRY Is It in Texas ??

    A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

    A man in Lubbock said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

    In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

    And just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

    It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

    Now THAT's Dry

    RECTUM STRETCHER (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)

    While she was "flying" down the road, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

    Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge," she replied.

    Traffic Ticket = $95.00
    Court Costs = $45.00
    Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS!

    I'll apologize to all my California friends on the board in case the following offends you but I couldn't resist posting this email forward. And if you're honest [with yourself], you'll admit that some of the gibes contained therein contain at least a grain of truth.

    So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,somebody had to come up with this:

    You know you're from California if....

    1. Your co-worker has 12 body piercings and none are visible.

    2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

    3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

    4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

    5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

    6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

    7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
    grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

    8. You can't remember . . . Is pot legal?

    9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

    10. Gas costs $1.50 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

    11. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

    12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

    13. You can't remember .. . . Is pot illegal or legal?

    14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

    15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

    16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

    17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

    18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

    19. The Terminator was your governor.

    20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they give you one.......

    This is pretty amazing! I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

    Movie Test:
    Pick a number from 1-9.
    Multiply by 3.
    Add 3.
    Multiply by 3 again.
    Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

    Movie List:
    1. Gone With The Wind
    2. E.T.
    3. Beverly Hills Cop
    4. Star Wars
    5. Forrest Gump
    6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
    7. Jaws
    8. Grease
    9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
    10. Casablanca
    11. Jurassic Park
    12. Shrek
    13. Pirates of the Caribbean
    14. Titanic
    15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
    16. Home Alone
    17. Mrs. Doubtfire
    18. Toy Story

    An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has come up with a near- perfect solution for airport security!

    Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

    It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, plus this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

    Case Closed!


    A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

    After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor then went down the hall to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

    "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

    The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"



    I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
    [/INDENT]The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

    'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

    I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

    I yelled, 'A$$ Hole!'

    Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States Barack Hussein Obama

    Damn I love this truck...



    For several years, a man carried on an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she told him she was pregnant.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she stayed in Italy to secretly have the child. If she also stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would pay child support until the child turned 18.

    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. He told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child-support payments to begin.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain later,' he said.

    The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

    On the card was written:

    'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!!!!

    Can't remember the name of the club but back in the 60s there was a topless joint on Broadway in San Francisco that I visited a few times while I was in the military. The featured attraction was a gal who had a 44-inch bust. Talk about top-heavy.....

    Here's the name of that woman to which I referred and also it mentions the name of the club (Condor Club). It was a very popular attraction for heterosexual young men in San Francisco back then.

    {E} Enormous!...
    {F} Fake...
    {G} Get a Reduction....
    {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

    Can't remember the name of the club but back in the 60s there was a topless joint on Broadway in San Francisco that I visited a few times while I was in the military. The featured attraction was a gal who had a 44-inch bust. Talk about top-heavy.....

    One night my brother-in-law (he and my sister lived in San Jose at the time) and I took my sister into San Fran for a night on the town. She's very prudish (almost Victorian) so as a prank, the BIL and I took her to this topless place. Talk about shocked - she wouldn't speak to us for a week afterwards. :biggrin:


    Little Susie goes home from school and tells her Mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

    Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

    Susie said: " I know they do. That's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

    Think I'll put this bumper sticker on my vehicle and drive around out in environmentalist country - you know, California, Oregon, Washington, places like that. :))):