Posts from The Ringo Kid in thread „A Friendly Subject“

Thanks Elly, ChiliBill, glad you liked them, and glad I made your day. :-)) I got these this morning from a good friend in Washington, and they made my day as well.

Atty: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you preformed on dead people?"
Wit: "All my autopsies are preformed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?"
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Atty: "All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
Wit: "Oral."
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Atty: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
Wit: "The autopsy started about 8:30PM."
Atty: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?"
Wit: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!"
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Atty: "Doctor, before you preformed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "Did you check for breathing?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"
Wit: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Atty: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
Wit: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."

I don't know if there is another Jokes thread here so im posting some I just got today. I know if there is another Jokes thread, wee, our esteemed Moderators will know what to do.

Anyway, these are worded exactly from some Courtroom transcrips had on them. No joke....

Atty: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"
Wit: "Where am I Cathy?"
Atty: "And why did that upset you?"
WIt: "My name is Susan."
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Atty: "What gear were you in at the moment of impact?"
Wit: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
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Atty: "This Myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?"
Wit: "Yes."
Atty: "And in what ways does it effect your memory?"
Wit: "I forget."
Atty: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"
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Atty: "Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
Wit: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
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Atty: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
Wit: "Uh...he's twenty."
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Atty: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Wit: "Are you $h****** me?"
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Atty: "So---the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Wit: "Yes."
Atty: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Wit: "I was gett'in laid!"
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Atty: "She had three children, right?"
Wit: "Yes."
Atty: "How many were boys?"
Wit: "None."
Atty: "Were there any girls?"
Wit: "Are you KIDDING me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"
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Atty: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Wit: "By death."
Atty: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Wit: "Now by whose death do you suppose terminated it?"
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Atty: "Can you describe the individual?"
Wit: "He was about medium heigth and had a beard."
Atty: "Was this a male or female?"
Wit: "Guess."
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Hi Chester & the Mrs, I had not seen this one before but thank yew fer alla da laffs. Jay is right though, you nailed us to a TEA.

Quote

Originally posted by erthomp143@Mar 31 2006, 07:49 PM
This guy joins the service but he’s really slow, always last in line. After he completes basic he finds out that his squad is going to be dropped behind enemy lines. The squad lines up to get their parachutes and this guy is last in line and when the sergeant gets to him he runs out of parachutes. So the sergeant tells the guy to use mind over matter, when he jumps out of the plane say ”Rip, swoosh and you’ll float down light as a feather” the sergeant repeats use mind over matter. Then they pass out rifles and again the guy is last in line and as the sergeant gets to him they run out of guns, again the sergeant tells the guy to use mind over matter when you see them getting close just say “bangity ,bang bangity bang” and the enemy will fall down dead, remember mind over mater. Then they start passing out bayonets and again he’s last in line and just as the sergeant gets to him they run out of bayonets and the sergeant says “remember..” and the guy says “I know mind over matter” then when they get close enough just say “Stabity Stab Stabity Stab” and the enemy will fall down dead. So they get on the plane and when they reach the jump zone the guy jumps out and says “rip swoosh” and sure enough he floats down light as a feather. Then he sees the enemy and starts saying “bangity bang, bangity bang” and he can’t believe it people are dropping down dead. Then they get into hand-to-hand combat and he starts saying “stabity stab, stabity stab” soon he is the only one left on his side and he sees an enemy in the distance moving towards him. He starts, “bangity bang, bangity bang” Still the enemy moves closer, “Bangity bang, Bangity bang” still closer and closer the enemy gets, “BANGITY BANG!! BANGITY BANG!!” then closer and closer “stabity stab, stabity stab” “STABITY STAB!! STABITY STAB!!” and the last thing the guy hears is “Tankity tank, tankity tank” …

[snapback]29987[/snapback]

Being that I am into Militaria and Military History, I really appreciate this one.