Posts from Baby Sister in thread „A Friendly Subject“

    Colorado Rancher's Wife....

    A blond marries a Colorado rancher.
    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
    Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
    today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the
    barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
    The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
    insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him
    down to the barn.
    They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells
    him, 'This is the one right here.'
    The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me
    lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be
    'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very
    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail
    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I
    guess it's to hang your pants on.'

    Chalk up one for the Blonde!

    sorry guys, when I post and check back on this post the picture is here, then when I come back the next day it is gone.? I don't know what is going on...gremlins I guess.

    Baby Sis

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .
    (scroll down)

    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

    Subject: Is it Scotch?

    On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

    The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

    The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

    Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

    The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
    She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
    wine?" she guessed.

    "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked,

    "Is it Champagne?.

    "No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

    > On their wedding night, the young bride
    > approached her new
    > husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
    > lovemaking encounter. In
    > his highly aroused state, her husband readily
    > agreed.
    > This scenario was repeated each time they made
    > love, for more
    > than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
    > cute way for her to
    > afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    > she needed.
    > Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    > surprised to find
    > her husband in a very drunken state.
    > During the next few minutes, he explained that
    > his employer
    > was going through a process of corporate
    > downsizing, and he had
    > been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
    > 59, he'd be able to find
    > another position that paid anywhere near what
    > he'd been earning, and
    > therefore, they
    > were financially ruined.
    > Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    > showed more than thirty
    > years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    > nearly $1 million. Then she
    > showed him certificates of deposits issued
    > by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
    > and informed him that they
    > were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
    > She explained that
    > for the more than
    > three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
    > these holdings had multiplied
    > and these were the
    > results of her savings and investments.
    > Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    > worth over $3
    > million, her husband was so astounded he could
    > barely speak, but
    > finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
    > I'd had any idea what you
    > were doing, I would have given yo u all my
    > business!"
    > That's when she shot him.
    > You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    > to keep their mouths shut.

    The Blonde Pilot

    A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

    She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.

    The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio.

    So up the blonde went.
    She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.
    The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.
    At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
    The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
    "What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
    "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan.

    Don't go horse back ridin'

    The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.

    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long
    been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple".

    The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

    The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
    My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

    "We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

    "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

    I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

    "And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after

    This one is for everyone who ...a) has kids,b) had kids,c) was a
    kid,d) knows a kide) is going to have kids.
    I guess that means all
    of us!!


    I was packing for my
    business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful
    time playing on thebed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
    this", and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her
    entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth
    and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"pretending to eat
    them.Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was
    standing onthe bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on
    her face.I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, What happened
    to my booger?

    He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
    >>got nothing to put in it. She
    >>said .. . You wear pants don't you?
    >>He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    >>She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
    >>ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
    >>He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
    >>grocery money I gave you?
    >>She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

    >>On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
    >>me everywhere" Written just below it . " I do not"

    >>Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the
    >>A.He buys two cases of beer.

    >>Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
    >>beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
    >>But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
    >>dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."


    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog
    Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

    "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

    See Men just don't listen

    She was Soooooooo Blonde..
    * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
    * She thought General Motors was in the army
    * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
    * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
    * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

    She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
    * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

    She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She tripped over a cordless phone.
    * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
    * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
    * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She studied for a blood test.
    * She sold the car for gas money.
    * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
    * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

    She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
    * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
    * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."


    She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

    She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


    Collards is green

    My dog's name is Blue

    And I'm so lucky to have

    A sweet thang like you.

    Yore hair is like cornsilk

    A-flapping in the breeze

    Softer than Blue's

    And without all them fleas.

    You move like the bass,

    Which excite me in May.

    You ain't got no scales

    But I luv you anyway.

    Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

    Jist a-fry'n in the pan.

    Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

    Right out of the can.

    You have som'a yore teeth,

    For which I am proud;

    I hold my head high

    When we're in a crowd.

    On special occasions,

    When you shave under yore arms,

    Well, I'm in hawg heaven,

    And awed by yore charms.

    Still them fellers at work,

    They all want to know,

    What I did to deserve

    Such a purdy, young doe.

    Like a good roll of duct tape

    Yo're there fer yore man,

    To patch up life's troubles

    And fix what you can.

    Yo're as cute as a junebug

    A-buzzin' overhead.

    You ain't mean like those far ants

    I found in my bed.

    Cut from the best cloth

    Like a plaid flannel shirt,

    You spark up my life

    More than a fresh load of dirt.

    When you hold me real tight

    Like a padded gunrack,

    My life is complete;

    Ain't nuttin' I lack.

    Yore complexion, it's perfection,

    Like the best vinyl sidin'.

    Despite all the years,

    Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

    Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

    With a RC cold drank,

    We go together

    Like a skunk goes with stank.

    Some men, they buy chocolate

    For Valentine's Day;

    They git it at Wal-Mart,

    it's romantic that way.

    Some men git roses

    On that special day

    From the cooler at Kroger.

    "That's impressive," I say.

    Some men buy fine diamonds

    From a flea market booth.

    "Diamonds are forever,"

    They explain, suave and couth.

    But for this man, honey, these won't do.

    Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.

    I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,

    More useful than diamonds...


    A Blonde's Year in Review
    January - Took new scarf back to store
    because it was
    too tight.
    February - Fired from pharmacy job for
    failing to

    won't fit
    in printer !!!
    March - Got really excited.....finished
    jigsaw puzzle
    in 6 said "2-4 years!"
    April - Trapped on escalator for hours
    ..... power
    went out!!!
    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong
    instructions....8 cups of water won't fit
    into those
    little packets!!!
    June - Tried to go water
    skiing......couldn't find a
    lake with a slope.
    July - Lost breast stroke swimming
    competition.....learned later, the other
    cheated, they used their arms!!!
    August - Got locked out of my car in rain swamped because soft-top was
    September - The capital of California is
    October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard
    to peel.
    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .
    instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
    weigh 108!!
    December - Couldn't call 911 .....
    no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
    What a year!!

    Be very careful guys


    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When her husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

    They could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchanged for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the small was, he agreed on the price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

    Cheers Ladies....

    Cowboy Poetry

    I'm sure all the men here and agree with this one, and probably the ladies will have to nod their heads also.

    > I ain't much for shopping,
    > Or for goin' into town
    > Except at cattle-shipping time,
    > I ain't too easily found.
    > But the day came when I had to go -
    > I left the kids with Ma.
    > But 'fore I left, she asked me,
    > "Would you pick me up a bra?"
    > So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
    > How tough could that job be?
    > An' I bent down and kissed her
    > An' said, "I'll be back by three."
    > Well, I done the things I needed,
    > But I started to regret
    > Ever offering to buy that thing -
    > I worked me up a sweat
    > I walked into the ladies shop
    > My hat pulled over my eyes,
    > I didn't want to take a chance
    > On bein' recognized.
    > I walked up to the sales clerk -
    > I didn't hem or haw -
    > I told that lady right straight out,
    > "I'm here to buy a bra."
    > From behind I heard some snickers,
    > So I turned around to see
    > Every woman in that store
    > Was a'gawkin' right at me!
    > "What kind would you be looking for?"
    > Well, I just scratched my head.
    > I'd only seen one kind before,
    > "Thought bras was bras," I said.
    > She gave me a disgusted look,
    > "Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
    > Follow me," I heard her say,
    > Like a dog, I tagged along.
    > She took me down this alley
    > Where bras was on display.
    > I thought my jaw would hit the floor
    > When I saw that lingerie.
    > They had all these different styles
    > That I'd never seen before
    > I thought I'd go plumb crazy
    > 'fore I left that women's store.
    > They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
    > And bras that cross your heart.
    > There was bras that lift and separate,
    > And that was just the start.
    > They had bras that made you feel
    > Like you ain't wearing one at all,
    > And bras that you can train in
    > When you start off when you're small.
    > Well, I finally made my mind up -
    > Picked a black and lacy one -
    > I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
    > And figured I was done.
    > But then she asked me for the size
    > I didn't hesitate
    > I knew that measurement by heart,
    > "A six-and-seven-eighths."
    > "Six and seven eighths you say?
    > That really isn't right."
    > "Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
    > I measured them last night!"
    > I thought that she'd go into shock,
    > Musta took her by surprise
    > When I told her that my wife's bust
    > Was the same as my hat size.
    > "That's what I used to measure with,
    > I figured it was fair,
    > But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
    > This drew another stare.
    > By now a crowd had gathered
    > And they all was crackin' up
    > When the lady asked to see my hat,
    > To measure for the cup.
    > When she finally had it figured,
    > I gave the gal her pay.
    > Then I turned to leave the store,
    > Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
    > My wife had heard the story
    > 'fore I ever made it home.
    > She'd talked to fifteen women
    > Who called her on the phone.
    > She was still a-laughin'
    > But by then I didn't care.
    > Now she don't ask and I don't shop
    > For women's underwear.