Posts from chester7777 in thread „A Friendly Subject“

    I did NOT see that punchline coming! :))):

    Been having a good time catching up on posts this morning, and this thread has definitely given me some good laughs!

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
    A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$90,000."
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
    WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
    The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
    As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us!"
    The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
    The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
    The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
    The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
    The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
    The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
    Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
    The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
    The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
    The woman with the Chihuahua said,

    "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

    Don' get to mad at me for this one, as I've got a bit of Scottish blood running thru my veins too. :wink_smile:

    Chester :newyear:

    The Salvation Army realized that they had never received a donation from Glasgow's most successful lawyer.
    So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.
    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"
    The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
    Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."
    "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did your research show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
    The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
    "Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"
    Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
    The lawyer thought again for a moment and said, "So, tell me Mr. Salvation Army volunteer, if I don't give any cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any cash to you?"

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool
    , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
    'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
    How soon can I go home?'

    Happy Mental Health Day!
    You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
    Done my part!!!

    It Isn't Easy Being A Grandparent!


    Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?

    An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

    When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

    An old guy was shopping the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
    The younger man says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
    The old guy adds, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
    The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, buxom figure, and she's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like?"
    The old guy replies, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
    She answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    (wait for it)


    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

    Very good, Smokey, here's another;

    A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a closed packet and told to take it to the fourth floor.
    As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.
    Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

    Good ones, Keith, hears another one;


    1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
    2. Put them on the front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
    3. Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
    4. Leave a note on the door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo and beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter"

    That was funny. Is he your congressman? :))):
    Cheers :cool: Hondo

    No, not mine, here's another,

    SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
    I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
    Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
    I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
    Call (555) 555-5555 and ask for Daisy.
    More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever

    A young cowboy goes off to college.
    Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
    He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
    "Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
    About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
    The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
    "I sure did, Dad!"
    "That's my boy!"
    The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

    Personally, I LOVE puns!


    Mrs. C :angel1:



    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking....

    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before....

    Practice safe eating - always use condiments....

    Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death....

    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy....

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes....

    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play....

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?...

    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion....

    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red....

    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I....

    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired....

    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)...

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana....

    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes...

    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off....

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion....

    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed...

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress....

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered...

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it....

    Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under....

    Every calendar's days are numbered....

    A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine....

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat...

    He had a photographic memory that was never developed....

    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large....

    Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall....

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.....

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses....

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    I was hard-pressed to decide whether to put the following story here or in the I Hate Snakes thread . . . this won out!

    Talk about a comedy of errors . . .


    Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

    A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.
    Breathe here...

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that's when he shot her.

    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.
    After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
    He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
    "Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the American down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
    "In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
    Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
    "No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

    Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
    Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
    The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
    Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
    Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
    "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
    Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
    "I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn't get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell's office and says, "Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
    Powell says, "It's me!"
    "Are you sure?"
    Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
    "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
    Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

    Senior Bath Test

    During a visit to the senior home, a man asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

    "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," the man said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


    While we're poking fun at seniors (hey, I are one . . . ), here are some pretty funny bumper stickers (thanks to Cindyrella, who sent an email with them) -


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    A lady went to her priest one day and said, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

    "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

    "They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed - then he thought for a moment.
    "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to the rectory, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that awful phrase in no time."

    "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage with them.
    After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    There was stunned silence.

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

    [FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]


    1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

    3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."

    7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

    9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

    10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

    11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

    15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.