Posts from erthomp143 in thread „A Friendly Subject“

A Powerful Message from Stevie WonderOn Michael Jackson’s Death…
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Deep stuff hey? I nearly cried when he said “. ... . . .. .. … .. ... . . .... ....”

This was in the "Washington Post"... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." This is pretty damn good. Drunk and horny, he still came up with this!

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

I recived this the other day and well, it just fits....

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 50 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ... OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-GUN ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

"Hello, is this the Bullitt Co. Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes."

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Bullitt Co. Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and left.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This is Floyd. Did the
Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Who says rednecks aren't real bright!?

I know these are old and well kind of sad… but what the heck

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Rustle

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs skiing?
A: Skip

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art

Q: What do you call arms and legs hanging on a wall?
A: Pieces of Art

Q: Did you hear that they built a 6 million-dolor stadium in Poland?
A: Yeah, but they had to tear it down… because no matter where you sat you where behind a pole…

And my favorite definition:
Vegetarian: Indian for bad hunter …

This guy joins the service but he’s really slow, always last in line. After he completes basic he finds out that his squad is going to be dropped behind enemy lines. The squad lines up to get their parachutes and this guy is last in line and when the sergeant gets to him he runs out of parachutes. So the sergeant tells the guy to use mind over matter, when he jumps out of the plane say ”Rip, swoosh and you’ll float down light as a feather” the sergeant repeats use mind over matter. Then they pass out rifles and again the guy is last in line and as the sergeant gets to him they run out of guns, again the sergeant tells the guy to use mind over matter when you see them getting close just say “bangity ,bang bangity bang” and the enemy will fall down dead, remember mind over mater. Then they start passing out bayonets and again he’s last in line and just as the sergeant gets to him they run out of bayonets and the sergeant says “remember..” and the guy says “I know mind over matter” then when they get close enough just say “Stabity Stab Stabity Stab” and the enemy will fall down dead. So they get on the plane and when they reach the jump zone the guy jumps out and says “rip swoosh” and sure enough he floats down light as a feather. Then he sees the enemy and starts saying “bangity bang, bangity bang” and he can’t believe it people are dropping down dead. Then they get into hand-to-hand combat and he starts saying “stabity stab, stabity stab” soon he is the only one left on his side and he sees an enemy in the distance moving towards him. He starts, “bangity bang, bangity bang” Still the enemy moves closer, “Bangity bang, Bangity bang” still closer and closer the enemy gets, “BANGITY BANG!! BANGITY BANG!!” then closer and closer “stabity stab, stabity stab” “STABITY STAB!! STABITY STAB!!” and the last thing the guy hears is “Tankity tank, tankity tank” …