Posts from Robbie in thread „A Friendly Subject“

Are you a Tory Rocklin?

Before reading this remember I love America/Americans.

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

I love Youtube and I also enjoy the "Star Wars" movies, especially the original three, check out this parody, I thought it was very funny.

Quote from chester7777

Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00 A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member:'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank:'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)

You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!

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In a similar vein, however I am unsure if this is a true story or not.

Credit Card Bill
In January 2000, a man received a bill for his, as yet unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In February, he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.

He called them and was told that it was a computer error, and that they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store when he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again, and was told that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game by mailing them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00, and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

I thought this article was both interesting and amusing, however maybe not so much so for those affected.

I couldn't stop laughing at this following clip in which Paxman hits out at the dumbing down of TV.

Quote from chester7777

Here's one you have to look at twice to get -

Haircut of the Year
haricut of the year.jpg

If you click on it, you can see it a little bigger .

It took me a couple of looks before I realised it was the back of his head.

Here is something to get you in the mood for St. Valentines day.

VALENTINES DAY

Just in case you're stuck for what to write in your Valentines day
card........These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking
for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic
second line.

1. Thought that I could love no other

That is until I met your brother.

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

3. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your
face

4. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

5. I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

6. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at
telling lies!

7. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life

8. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to
hell"

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Hi Todd

I laughed at that story, I do hope that its pure fiction though!

Chester

I loved that, that was good.

Hi Jim

Very funny and that guy got what he deserved.

Hi Todd

I've got a feeling it was when Duke was filming 'The War Wagon'.

Todd

That was soooo funny thanks for posting it.

I'm sure everyone will laugh at this clip.

That poem was very intelligently articulated and ultimately really funny.

Got the following email today, its not a joke but I quite enjoyed it.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say " Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.
God Bless the USA!

May the LORD bless you & yours..............

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Here is one I heard about the big man himself, this is how it was receited by Ronny Corbett.

Two boys were going to see a John Wayne movie at the cinema I can't remember the name but I think it was a cowboy movie he made a few. Stephen says I bet you a tenner Duke falls of his horse, Joe says I'll bet you a tenner he doesn't. So they watched the movie and sure enough John Wayne falls of his horse and at the end of the movie Joe pays Stephen the ten pounds. Stephen laughs and says I'm sorry I cheated I seen the movie before and knew he fell of his horse to which Joe replies 'I seen it before too but I didn't think the idiot would make the same mistake twice'.

Hi Author not sure I get that joke above would you mind explaining it please.

In the meantime here is another joke for everyone to get their teeth into.

A drunk is sitting at a bar, and says, "Bartender! Another drink."
The bartender shakes his head and says, "No you've had enough."

"Well," the drunk says. "How about if I show you something really cool? Then will you give me a drink?"

"Sure," the bartender says. "But it's gotta be pretty cool."

The drunk takes a tiny piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog starts banging away, playing a beautiful song.
The bartender gives him a drink. The drunk downs it, and orders another.

"No way," the bartender says. "Now you've really had enough."

"If you give me a drink, I'll show you something even cooler," says the drunk.
The bartender agrees.
The drunk pulls out a rat, and sets it next to the piano. The frog starts banging away again, and the rat starts singing to the music.
The bartender is amazed, and gives him another drink.

A man who had been watching all this comes up to the drunk and says, "You've got a million dollar act there. I'll give you $500,000 for them right now."

"Not for sale," the drunk croaks.

"Ok, $500,000 just for the frog."

"Not for sale."

"Ok, $500,000 just for the rat."

The drunk agrees, and the man pays him and leaves.

The bartender says to the drunk, "What did you do that for? You broke up a million dollar act!"

"Not really," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist."

Hi Stumpy

You were looking for raciness well this second true story inlcudes a pregnancy and both stories are contemporary hope you all like them. I am happy that many people are taking part in this thread.

Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".
"Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted,
"This is her husband!".