Posts from Rocklin in thread „A Friendly Subject“

We went to a wedding last Saturday it was a miss match from the start,
at the reception all the guests were sad and glum looking,
even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Irish Burial at Sea.

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

WAIT FOR IT

'Aye 'tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

No my dear friend I'm not a Tory.

Joke.

I LOST MY JOB!

I have just been sacked from my job with the
911 Call Center.

A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."

All I said was........

"Remain calm and stay on the line."

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.

My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.


I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & Harriet Harman."

Young Cowboy.

There was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
first-rate yet and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in the saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who,
in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a whiskey, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, fer one thing, yer wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot The bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" he yelled, "Got any More tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur,
and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that Axle grease over there?
Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp finishes playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much."

A couple for you.

He was in Ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards....forwards then backwards...
back and forth, back and forth. In and out.....in and out, her heart was beating faster, her face was getting flushed and
she started to grunt and groan, Then she let out an almighty scream!!!!!!, I can't park this car you do it.

There as been a riot in my biscuit tin, some nutter called Rocky just
hit Penguin with a Club tied him to a Wagonwheel with a Blue Ribbon,
Police said Rocky was seen catching a Taxi to the dam, where he drank
Bourbon and had it off with a Ginger Nut, not a crumb of evidence was
found so the Jammy Dodger got away !