Just when you think Life is Serious

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    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.


    The local paper read:



    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT


    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.



    The next day the local paper headline read:



    BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS


    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.



    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.



    The local paper, hearing of the news,



    Posted the following headline:



    NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN


    The Bishop fainted.



    He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.



    The next day the headlines read:



    NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.



    The next day the headlines read:



    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS


    IS WILD AND FREE


    Alas ..... The Bishop was buried the next day.



    MORAL OF THE STORY???



    Being concerned about public opinion can bring you



    Much grief and misery


    And even shorten your life.



    So, be yourself     and enjoy life.



    Stop worrying about everyone else's     ass and you'll live longer. ;)


    Who's in charge of it all.

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be in charge.

    "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


    "I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


    "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."



    "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

    "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."



    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

    Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.






    The Moral of the story?
    An a** hole is usually in charge!



    The Four Cats !

    Four men were bragging about how smart their

    cats were.




    The first man was an Engineer,

    the second man was an Accountant,

    the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and

    the fourth man was a Government Employee.

    To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

    "T-square, do your stuff."

    T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some

    paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,

    and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.




    But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

    He called his cat and said,

    "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

    Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned

    with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.




    But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his

    cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."

    Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of

    milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

    exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty good.




    Then the three men turned to the Government Employee

    and said, "What can your cat do?"

    The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,

    "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

    CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,



    ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


    drank the milk,,,,,,,,,



    sh*t on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



    screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



    claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



    filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,



    put in for Workers Compensation...............and



    went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

    AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT



    For Mike and this comes from the mouth of the legendary comic: Rich Little.

    Doing his impresion of Johnny Carson: "Yesterday, I walked into this bar and I was very angry. I went up to the bar sat on the bar stool, pounding my fist onto the bar and proceded to yell out that all Lawyers are a**holes!! The man sitting next to me said: "I resent that because I"M an a**hole."

    Rich Little delivered that oen much better that I can type it. This was from his appearace over the weekend at the annual dinner for the White House Correspondants.

    Es Ist Verboten Mit Gefangenen In Einzelhaft Zu Sprechen..

    Hi GT, same here-untill just a few days ago. I remember when he had his own TV show on which I think was back in the late 1970's or by 1980. He is a genius though. I always loved his Ronald Reagan impressions. He had him down perfectly.

    Dang, I sure do miss Ronald Reagan -- the last President we had that had class.

    Es Ist Verboten Mit Gefangenen In Einzelhaft Zu Sprechen..

    Ringo I remember his Reagan impressions myself. I always thought he did a good job. Good to know he's still keeping busy and doing well.

    Stay thirsty my friends.

    Subject: : A Teacher's nightmare.
    You MUST read this brief story before viewing the attached photo.
    A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
    It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy, and the children were then allowed to take them home. The teacher said cactus “seemed like a good idea at the time”...


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    These are supposed to be serious


    Following on from John Travolta lecturing the world on global warming last week. Yes, this is the guy who has a Boeing 747, Lear Jet and various other planes in his front yard for his personal travel.

    We now have Sheryl Crow contribution. 1 sheet of loo paper per visit and clothes were you rip the sleeve off to wipe your face at the end of your meal. I had that system perfected at 4!!

    You couldnt make this stuff up!!!


    Mike



    Crow calls for limit on loo paper


    The shows include a short set from Sheryl Crow and film clips


    Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.
    Crow has suggested using "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required".
    The 45-year-old, who made the comments on her website, has just toured the US on a biodiesel-powered bus to raise awareness about climate change.
    She teamed up with environmental activist Laurie David for the shows.
    The pair targeted 11 university campuses to persuade students to help combat the world's environmental problems.
    I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting



    Sheryl Crow


    "I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming," Crow wrote.
    "Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating.
    "I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."
    David (left) and Crow have finished the Stop Global Warming College Tour


    The tour ended on Sunday at the George Washington University in Washington DC, where Crow performed with Tim McGraw, Faith Hill and Carole King.
    Laurie David's husband, Seinfeld creator Larry David, also appeared.
    Crow has also commented on her website about how she thinks paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness".
    She has designed a clothing line with what she calls a "dining sleeve". The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve" after the diner has used it to wipe his or her mouth. The shows involved a short set by the singer, a talk by David and segments of Al Gore's environmental film An Inconvenient Truth.

    I've heard everything now... limit our toilet paper usage. Maybe our wipe my $^% with her album covers.


    When it comes to environmental issues, most of these people are hypocrites with their big fancy planes, all those old high exhaust cars, jetting around the world to make themselves look good. Plus they start a campaign about how much toilet paper we use. Come on people, lets lock these loonies away.


    We go and get rid of a good person that helps kids with cancer just because of a statement that is expressed in all that horrendous crap they call rap. And yesterday I see a news piece on how the rappers are trying to make it that much harder on the police with their "No Snitch" campaign. People saying, we can't snitch or it will ruin our street creds. But the next time they scream for help they expect the police to come running. Ask them if they saw anything and they clam up like Sgt. Schultz.

    Hi Dakota

    The entertaining thing is that these po faced airheads actually think the world is listening to their drivel. I keep picturing some kind of comedy sketch with Peter Sellers pulling the sleeves of diners.

    As for Sheryl ban her albums think how much plastic and paper you would save!
    Then mickey finn her with laxatives and hand her 1 sheet for the her trouble. LOL



    Mike