A Friendly Subject

Here's a little April Fool's video for you.

Mrs. C

Quote

Originally posted by erthomp143@Mar 31 2006, 07:49 PM
This guy joins the service but he’s really slow, always last in line. After he completes basic he finds out that his squad is going to be dropped behind enemy lines. The squad lines up to get their parachutes and this guy is last in line and when the sergeant gets to him he runs out of parachutes. So the sergeant tells the guy to use mind over matter, when he jumps out of the plane say ”Rip, swoosh and you’ll float down light as a feather” the sergeant repeats use mind over matter. Then they pass out rifles and again the guy is last in line and as the sergeant gets to him they run out of guns, again the sergeant tells the guy to use mind over matter when you see them getting close just say “bangity ,bang bangity bang” and the enemy will fall down dead, remember mind over mater. Then they start passing out bayonets and again he’s last in line and just as the sergeant gets to him they run out of bayonets and the sergeant says “remember..” and the guy says “I know mind over matter” then when they get close enough just say “Stabity Stab Stabity Stab” and the enemy will fall down dead. So they get on the plane and when they reach the jump zone the guy jumps out and says “rip swoosh” and sure enough he floats down light as a feather. Then he sees the enemy and starts saying “bangity bang, bangity bang” and he can’t believe it people are dropping down dead. Then they get into hand-to-hand combat and he starts saying “stabity stab, stabity stab” soon he is the only one left on his side and he sees an enemy in the distance moving towards him. He starts, “bangity bang, bangity bang” Still the enemy moves closer, “Bangity bang, Bangity bang” still closer and closer the enemy gets, “BANGITY BANG!! BANGITY BANG!!” then closer and closer “stabity stab, stabity stab” “STABITY STAB!! STABITY STAB!!” and the last thing the guy hears is “Tankity tank, tankity tank” …

[snapback]29987[/snapback]

Being that I am into Militaria and Military History, I really appreciate this one.

I know these are old and well kind of sad… but what the heck

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Rustle

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs skiing?
A: Skip

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
A: Art

Q: What do you call arms and legs hanging on a wall?
A: Pieces of Art

Q: Did you hear that they built a 6 million-dolor stadium in Poland?
A: Yeah, but they had to tear it down… because no matter where you sat you where behind a pole…

And my favorite definition:
Vegetarian: Indian for bad hunter …

Haha, very good.

"Hello, is this the Bullitt Co. Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes."

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Bullitt Co. Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and left.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This is Floyd. Did the
Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Who says rednecks aren't real bright!?

For all you folks in Texas . . .

Mrs. C

HOW YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few
no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop, and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.
A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops totally
until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people
drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few
weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a
doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two.

"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes or hours.

You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.

You see cars with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in them, no matter what time of the year.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave
both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables for your own car.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup,
and Tabasco.

You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or
South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin"
or "off to Wally-world."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili-eatin'
weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke
regardless of brand or flavor.

Mrs. C - Boy, have you got Texas nailed down! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers - Jay

Here's another little funny, full of some interesting truisms, to brighten your day -

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Hi Chester & the Mrs, I had not seen this one before but thank yew fer alla da laffs. Jay is right though, you nailed us to a TEA.

These are the kind of "funnies" that give a lift to my funnybone :lol: . Thank you Chester & the Mrs. for those cheerful pieces.
Cheers - Jay

There once was a very inept orchestra conductor. In a fit of anger, he murdered his concertmaster. This maestro was tried, found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair.
When the execution was to take place, several attempts at the electrocution were unsuccessful, even when voltage levels were increased. An electrical engineer was called in to check out the system. After careful examination of the wiring and the prisoner, the engineer declared, "I'm sorry, gentlemen. This man is a non-conductor." :lol:
Cheers - Jay

This was sent to me the other day by a friend, and I thouhgt y'all might get a chuckle from it. Although I think it just might be true as I have experienced some of it first hand.
Best to all,
Colorado Bob

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier and, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was amazed to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and he has aged so much that he didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor guy while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY
NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a pair of 28" pants as 34"s? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around our waist or hips?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PS: I am posting this in a larger font size , because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.

Bob,

Thanks for sharing that!! We find ourselves "suffering" the same way these days! I think it IS a conspiracy . . . .

We're going to send this to all our OLD friends.

BTW, as you can see, we moved your post to "A Friendly Subject" as it seemed to just belong there, with all those other funny stories and jokes. Hope you don't mind, and that you are doing well!

Our 18 year old son is in Castle Rock, even as we type this.

Chester and the Mrs.

P.S. I hope you can read this . . . :lol:

Quote

Originally posted by chester7777@Aug 5 2006, 08:50 PM
Bob,

Thanks for sharing that!! We find ourselves "suffering" the same way these days! I think it IS a conspiracy . . . .

We're going to send this to all our OLD friends.

BTW, as you can see, we moved your post to "A Friendly Subject" as it seemed to just belong there, with all those other funny stories and jokes. Hope you don't mind, and that you are doing well!

Our 18 year old son is in Castle Rock, even as we type this.

Chester and the Mrs.

P.S. I hope you can read this . . . :lol:

[snapback]33391[/snapback]

Display More

Howdy Mr. & Mrs. C,
No problem with moving my post. You're right, it belongs here with the other funny stories and jokes. I hope you son likes Castle Rock. I have been there are few times and it seems like a nice town. Glad to hear from you, and hope all is well with you both.
Best,
Colorado Bob

p.s. Once I put on my reading glasses (which are stronger than my tri-focals), I wa able to read your post. :lol:

I recived this the other day and well, it just fits....

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 50 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ... OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-GUN ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

You all know that John Wayne liked his tequila . . .

Check this out! :lol:

Warning: There might be a little "objectionable" language (i.e., parents might want to listen first without kids in the room), but it is pretty funny!

I almost forgot -

Blonde Star - for those of you who like blonde jokes.

And NO offense intended to you blondes out there, as I am blonde myself (or I was before the gray started creeping in), and so are our daughters :lol: .

Chester

Oh, it's too easy to get sucked into spending time watching these silly videos, but HERE'S one more for all you cowboys out there. Try watching it in full screen for the best effect .

Chester

Hi Jim,

Good video, we get that one,
shown over here, on UK TV!!

For all you horse lovers out there -

Patches the Horse