A Friendly Subject

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

???????? (A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...........

Chester;

O- Yes I Never Missed Abbott and Costello and still watch them on T.V. in their old Films, and there was never anyone as Funny as Those Two! :lol: When there was a New Abbott and Costello Movie at the Old Fox Theater in Phoenix in the old days there would be a Line a Mile Long just waiting to get in to See It!!!

I must be another Lou Costello, because the Story You told is just about the way I am with this Computer Thing.

Bill

Hi all,

Very funny Chester, well done. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Although I am more of a Marx Brothers fan.

Emmanuel

Great parody on the "Who's on first," Jim & Sue. Very funny :lol: !
Cheers - Jay

Cowboy Poetry

I'm sure all the men here and agree with this one, and probably the ladies will have to nod their heads also.

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA
>
>
>
> I ain't much for shopping,
>
> Or for goin' into town
>
> Except at cattle-shipping time,
>
> I ain't too easily found.
>
>
>
> But the day came when I had to go -
>
> I left the kids with Ma.
>
> But 'fore I left, she asked me,
>
> "Would you pick me up a bra?"
>
>
>
> So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
>
> How tough could that job be?
>
> An' I bent down and kissed her
>
> An' said, "I'll be back by three."
>
>
>
> Well, I done the things I needed,
>
> But I started to regret
>
> Ever offering to buy that thing -
>
> I worked me up a sweat
>
>
>
> I walked into the ladies shop
>
> My hat pulled over my eyes,
>
> I didn't want to take a chance
>
> On bein' recognized.
>
>
>
> I walked up to the sales clerk -
>
> I didn't hem or haw -
>
> I told that lady right straight out,
>
> "I'm here to buy a bra."
>
>
>
> From behind I heard some snickers,
>
> So I turned around to see
>
> Every woman in that store
>
> Was a'gawkin' right at me!
>
>
>
> "What kind would you be looking for?"
>
> Well, I just scratched my head.
>
> I'd only seen one kind before,
>
> "Thought bras was bras," I said.
>
>
>
> She gave me a disgusted look,
>
> "Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
>
> Follow me," I heard her say,
>
> Like a dog, I tagged along.
>
>
>
> She took me down this alley
>
> Where bras was on display.
>
> I thought my jaw would hit the floor
>
> When I saw that lingerie.
>
>
>
> They had all these different styles
>
> That I'd never seen before
>
> I thought I'd go plumb crazy
>
> 'fore I left that women's store.
>
>
>
> They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
>
> And bras that cross your heart.
>
> There was bras that lift and separate,
>
> And that was just the start.
>
>
>
> They had bras that made you feel
>
> Like you ain't wearing one at all,
>
> And bras that you can train in
>
> When you start off when you're small.
>
>
>
> Well, I finally made my mind up -
>
> Picked a black and lacy one -
>
> I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
>
> And figured I was done.
>
>
>
> But then she asked me for the size
>
> I didn't hesitate
>
> I knew that measurement by heart,
>
> "A six-and-seven-eighths."
>
>
>
> "Six and seven eighths you say?
>
> That really isn't right."
>
> "Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
>
> I measured them last night!"
>
>
>
> I thought that she'd go into shock,
>
> Musta took her by surprise
>
> When I told her that my wife's bust
>
> Was the same as my hat size.
>
>
>
> "That's what I used to measure with,
>
> I figured it was fair,
>
> But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
>
> This drew another stare.
>
>
>
> By now a crowd had gathered
>
> And they all was crackin' up
>
> When the lady asked to see my hat,
>
> To measure for the cup.
>
>
>
> When she finally had it figured,
>
> I gave the gal her pay.
>
> Then I turned to leave the store,
>
> Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
>
>
>
> My wife had heard the story
>
> 'fore I ever made it home.
>
> She'd talked to fifteen women
>
> Who called her on the phone.
>
>
>
> She was still a-laughin'
>
> But by then I didn't care.
>
> Now she don't ask and I don't shop
>
> For women's underwear.

Great poem, Baby Sis! I love it!
Cheers - Jay

Baby Sis,

Thanks for the good laugh!!

And I must say . . . I probably hate shopping for the darn things as much as that cowboy did!

Mrs. C

Be very careful guys

THE CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When her husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

They could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchanged for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the small was, he agreed on the price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.



Cheers Ladies....

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Todd,

A very funny piece, thanks.

Robbie,

That's a great clip from a very funny episode,
which was very funny, from beginning to end

Thanks for showing that clip. Does anybody know what year that episode ran? Had to of been in the late 60's I am guessing.

Todd,

It was

Lucy Meets John Wayne

Season 5- Episode Number 119
Original air date:- November 21st. 1966

Quote from Robbie

Hi Todd

I've got a feeling it was when Duke was filming 'The War Wagon'.

It was, I have this particular episode

Thanks Keith and Robbie. That's kind of what I was thinking as well.

Wow! Check this out!

[extendedmedia]

Nice one Jim, beware users of cellnet phones!!
Jim stumpy, would like this one!