A Friendly Subject

Hi

Why did David Hasselhoff shorten his name to Hoff? Because he didn't want the hassle.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall - Dam



Regards

Arthur

At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and said, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response, General Motors issued the following press release:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads and at five times the cost.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and deny entry until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

11. When all else failed, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in a foreign language on how to fix the car yourself!!!!

While out driving the other day, I saw the sign shown below:




Out of curiosity, I called the toll-free number shown on the sign and guess who showed up?

A Mexican with a tow truck.

Quote from Stumpy

While out driving the other day, I saw the sign shown below:




Out of curiosity, I called the toll-free number shown on the sign and guess who showed up?

A Mexican with a tow truck.

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OMG!!!!:teeth_smile::teeth_smile:

[FONT=Palatino, Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=+2]The thunderstorm[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Palatino, Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=+1]Boy wants comforting

[/SIZE][/FONT]One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor
in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Do you have anti-gun Democratic friends?

Well here’s ‘good news’ for them! Smith & Wesson has just announced a new handgun designed just for them. The SW18044L (the ‘L’ signifies ‘liberal’). Please note that this handsome, powerful weapon is a commemorative model, which proudly bears the Democratic Donkey and a large capital "D!"

Good one, problem is most of them couldn't figure out how to load it!!

Quote from SXViper

Good one, problem is most of them couldn't figure out how to load it!!

I'd load it for 'em - in a New York minute.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me,” announces Cavan.
He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O’Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” snarls Brenda.
“I’ll go tell him,” says Cavan.

THE LIE DETECTOR…

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

That Joke made my day...

THE RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking, why pay taxes. People who owe taxes seem to get good government jobs.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

That amused me to no end. I especially liked

Quote

I was thinking, why pay taxes. People who owe taxes seem to get good government jobs.

Chilibill.... you are my type of person.

Hi

What do you call a penguin in the desert - lost

Regards

Arthur

Hi


in olden times a boy was watching a fox cub drinking water from a river. Suddenly a huge pike leaps out of the river and grabs hold of the cubs head. Tne cub grabs hold of the pike and with neither letting go they kill each other.
The boy thinks this is amazing and decided to take the fox and the pike to show the king.
On reaching the palace the boy is stopped by the kings steward who demands to know what the boy wants.
On being told he tells the boy that he will let him see the king on condition that he receives half of whatever the king gives to the boy.
The king sees the boys gift and is overjoyed. he tells the boy that he can have anything he desires.
he boys turns to the king and says "I'll have 100 lashes.


Regards

Arthur

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the promised land."

Now Obama is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.