A Friendly Subject

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    Before reading this remember I love America/Americans.


    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN


    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).


    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.


    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


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    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


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    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


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    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


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    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


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    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


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    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


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    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


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    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


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    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


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    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


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    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


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    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


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    13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


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    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


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    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


    God Save the Queen!




    PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

    Regards
    Robbie




    Amazing that this isn't written in German:wink_smile:


    But what's in it for me?

    Robbie, I love it. And as a lifelong Anglophile, I could even almost embrace the idea. :wink_smile:

    Let's face it, her Majesty beats the hell out of what we have now.

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Hilarious! However, I disagree only with only a couple points. I have to have several flagons of near frozen gnat urine while I watch my Sunday game. I won't refer to it as football, as you insist, because I'm a fan of the Buffalo Bills and whatever it is that they are playing cannot be mistaken for football.






    We deal in lead, friend.

    My husband is an ardent Anglophile. He'd go for this in a heartbeat. I think I would too as I am also very fond of the Brits.


    And we'd finally have universal healthcare!;)

    Quote from Paula

    And we'd finally have universal healthcare!;)



    At Hartsfield-Jackson, they sell tickets to all the European countries and the Peoples' Republic of Massachusetts every day, Paula. You should emigrate to a locale with an ideological environment more to your liking. :laugh:

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."


    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.


    “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.


    Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.


    The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

    Comedies aren't usually my thing Mark; and I am not too big on jokes unless they are really good. But, I got a kick out of this one.....laughed right out loud here all by myself. So, you got the old stone faced lady to put forth a guffaw! Good one, Mark. Even think I can remember it. My friends will all be astonished when the jokes are flying, and I come out with one, LOL! Thanks, KEITH



    God, she reminds me of me! DUKE

    A couple for you.


    He was in Ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards....forwards then backwards...
    back and forth, back and forth. In and out.....in and out, her heart was beating faster, her face was getting flushed and
    she started to grunt and groan, Then she let out an almighty scream!!!!!!, I can't park this car you do it.


    There as been a riot in my biscuit tin, some nutter called Rocky just
    hit Penguin with a Club tied him to a Wagonwheel with a Blue Ribbon,
    Police said Rocky was seen catching a Taxi to the dam, where he drank
    Bourbon and had it off with a Ginger Nut, not a crumb of evidence was
    found so the Jammy Dodger got away !

    Young Cowboy.




    There was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
    He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
    first-rate yet and that there must be something he was doing wrong.


    Sitting in the saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who,
    in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
    The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer,
    bought him a whiskey, and told him the story of his great ambition.
    "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.


    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, fer one thing, yer wearing your gun too high.
    Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."


    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


    "Sure will," said the old-timer.


    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot The bow tie off the piano player.
    "That's terrific!" he yelled, "Got any More tips for me?"


    "Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
    That'll give you a smoother draw."


    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.


    "You bet it will," said the old-timer.


    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur,
    and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
    "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"


    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that Axle grease over there?
    Coat your gun with it."


    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


    "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all."


    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.


    "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp finishes playin' the piano,
    he's going to shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much."

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'


    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.


    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'


    Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.


    'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'


    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'


    'Moses,' replied the bird.


    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'


    'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

    LOL, YEARS since I heard that one, Mark. I usually can't remember jokes very well, but I used to tell that one a lot and got some great laughs out of it. It is almost exactly like it was when it circled the net long time ago. Thanks for reminding me of it! I can just SEE that burglar's face when the parrot says the last line! Thanks, KEITH


    God, she reminds me of me! DUKE