A Friendly Subject

Friends beware, this could happen to you.

I understand that this happens at Lowe's too so don't desert Home Depot just yet. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look.


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S.
Wal Mart sells wallets for 2.99 each.




P.P.S.
Amen, Todd.

I have been meaning to get some chores done around the house. I'll be stopping in at Home Depot for supplies today. Just gotta make a stop at Wallmart first.

That'a a funny story, Sumpy. Thanks for the laugh!

Mark

I didn't pickup on that 'til the end. I thought that was a bonified warning on scam artists and wondered what it was doing on this topic!
You have to remember - I'm going to be 66 in September!
Cheers - Jay

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Amarillo, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights.
[INDENT][INDENT]One is an American Indian from Cody, Wyoming, another is a Cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show & the third passenger is a Fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl....

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe itʼs a - comin."

[/INDENT][/INDENT]

Tough to get old

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.

Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Brilliant!

Boy, is this ever right:

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,

"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the smaller croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?

"Well, I crawl up under one of their cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase"

I thought maybe I should post a joke here .


The Half Wit

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.


"That would be me," replied the rancher.

Good ones, all!

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks lik e I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie



At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and approaches an old rancher. He says to the rancher,

"I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay but don't go in that field over there.'

The water bureaucrat says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the bureaucrat running for his life. Close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The fed is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your card! Show him your card!"

Naturally, the following was intended as a joke but knowing the political preferences of the New York Times, it's probably pretty close to the mark.

BIKER STORY Receives New York Times Best

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps. back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him tearfully.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper
will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a
living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it
indeed brought news of his action, and reads, on the front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems...They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them."


The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."


So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute."

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? "

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."


After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning...

Retirement Planning:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling refund - you would have had $214.00.

Based on these facts, the best current investment advice would be to drink heavily and recycle.

Let people that you care about, know; and tell them to start saving for their retirement, now!

Now that sounds like an investment many here would jump for!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ' Dad .' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad .
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad . She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad , I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home

Reading through this, I was wondering where the humor was - then I got to the punch line!

Breaking News - Walmart Ammo

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama and Tennessee have sold out of
ammunition as of last week. A reliable source said that one of the
purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they
sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama or Tennessee.

I stumbled upon this while searching for something else (which I have yet to find . . . ), and laughed just as hard now as the first time around. Since it's three and a half years ago that it appeared, I hope you won't mind if I bring it back.

Mrs. C

Quote from chester7777

Ah, the Mrs. and her strange sense of humor strike again! :lol: I just love puns :D.

I got this in an email and just couldn't resist sharing it with y'all .

Enjoy - I was ROFLOL!

Mrs. C

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

( . . . here's one for smokey . . . )
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag
(nothin' personal meant here . . . )

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

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