A Friendly Subject

Tattoo of the year . . .

tatoo of the year.jpg

Some elderly jokes!!!!


An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more. !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Here are a few holiday jokes -

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa, of course, because the other two don’t exist!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas Carols For
The Psychiatrically ChallengedSchizophrenia --
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --
I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....

Paranoid --
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --

You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Chester

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore
off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life ."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer...

"MY ROLEX!"

Whenever things get unfriendly just ask yourself one question:

WWJWD - What Would John Wayne Do... and proceed accordingly.

A carolina couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

Computer Viruses

Lorena Bobbit Virus
- turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy


Tonya Harding Virus
- turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons


Oprah Winfrey Virus
- Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB


Politically Correct Virus
- Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism"


Ross Perot Virus
- Activates every component on your system, just before the whole darn thing quits


Government Economist Virus
- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine


Federal Bureaucrat Virus
- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer


Freudian Virus
- Your computer becomes obessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of your friend’s hard drive.


PBS Virus
- Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.


Jimmy Hoffa Virus
- Your programs can never be found again.


O.J. Virus
- It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

how do you tell if an elephant is in your fridge?
footprints in the butter
how do you tell if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
2 sets of footprints in the butter
how do you tell if you have 5 elephants in your fridge?
a pink mini minor park outside

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say “Amen,” “Praise the Lord,” and “Glory.” I preached and I preached, like I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “I ain’t never seen anything like that before...and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for more’n 20 years.”

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.


The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.”


1st Man: “No it’s true, let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.


The 2nd man tells him: “You know I saw it with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”


1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it.


2nd Man: “Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over that balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a “splat.”


Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .
(scroll down)














"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he s tops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!!!!!!!

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

Trunk Monkey compilation (6 different ones)
I had seen some, but not all, of these. Pretty funny!

Chester

Thanks for the laughs, Jim. Is that for a company out west? I never seen these out east here. Very imaginative and funny.

Mark

Innovative commercials!!! Especially liked the two theft ones. You've made my day!:teeth_smile:
Cheers - Jay

Quote from Stumpy

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he s tops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!!!!!!!

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

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You notice this originated in Minneapolis? Unfortunately it is not far off from the truth. Minnesota thinks it needs to bring everyone here for welfare hand outs, thank god its cold part of the year up here so it keeps alot of the riff raff out!!!

Where's old Alfred (or Alferd, as many have spelled it) when we need 'im most.

baby sister what was it you were trying to show as it wouldnt come up for me

cheers smokey

Subject: Cajun Smarts

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologistshave found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Daily Advertiser', a local newspaper inLafayette reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 feet in rice fields near Forked Island , Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,Louisiana had already gone wireless.'