A Friendly Subject

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    An old guy was shopping the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
    The younger man says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
    The old guy adds, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
    The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, buxom figure, and she's wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like?"
    The old guy replies, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

    One day a man saw his friend walking his way with both his ears bandaged up. When they got closer, he asked his friend what happened.


    "Well", his friend said, "I was home drinking rather heavy last night while the wife was ironing some clothes. The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron and held it to my ear."


    "Ouch", replied the first man. "That had to hurt. How did you hurt the other ear?"


    "You won't believe this", his friend said, "but the idiot called back!"

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

    Funny! Reminds me of when I was working with one of those small red staplers. Somehow, I put a staple right through one of my fingers. As I was working with the staple remover attached, I did it again. NO WAY was I going to ask anyone to help me....I was too embarrassed. Finally got them both out with a good pair of pliers. Needless to say, I am extremely careful around staplers of any kind now. You should see me with my compressed air one in the shop, LOL! KPKEITH Tools are made for SMART people.

    Quote from Dooley

    Good one Dukefan1!

    God, she reminds me of me! DUKE

    It Isn't Easy Being A Grandparent!





    MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION BEFORE
    YOU GIVE THE ANSWER. YOUNG GRAND CHILDREN WILL
    DO IT TO YOU EVERY TIME!







    Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?







    An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"




    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.




    When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.




    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"




    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool    , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


    When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
    'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
    How soon can I go home?'


    Happy Mental Health Day!
    You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
    Done my part!!!

    Don' get to mad at me for this one, as I've got a bit of Scottish blood running thru my veins too. :wink_smile:


    Chester :newyear:


    The Salvation Army realized that they had never received a donation from Glasgow's most successful lawyer.
    So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.
    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over three million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"
    The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge care bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
    Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."
    "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did your research show that my brother, a disabled Afghanistan veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
    The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
    "Thirdly," the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors and specialist nurses?"
    Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
    The lawyer thought again for a moment and said, "So, tell me Mr. Salvation Army volunteer, if I don't give any cash to them, what makes you think I'd give any cash to you?"

    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.
    As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
    The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us!"
    The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
    They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
    The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
    The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
    The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
    The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
    The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
    The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
    Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
    The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
    The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
    The woman with the Chihuahua said,


    "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

    THE PERFECT HUSBAND
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
    A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
    Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$90,000."
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
    WOMAN: "Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
    The man turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"