A Friendly Subject

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  • In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

    "Dear Lord,

    This has been a tough two or three years.


    You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.


    My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.



    My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.

    My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

    My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

    My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros



    And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.


    I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
    Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & Harriet Harman."

  • No my dear friend I'm not a Tory.


    Joke.


    I LOST MY JOB!

    I have just been sacked from my job with the
    911 Call Center.


    A guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."


    All I said was........

    "Remain calm and stay on the line."

  • A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish!?!?"
    "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
    "What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
    The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
    We do this all the time!!"
    "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
    The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
    "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
    The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
    "Call who back?"
    "The FISH," replied the warden!
    "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

  • LOL Mark, reminds me of when me and the boys were free diving for lobster off N. Miami Beach in about 30 feet of water, (free diving now.....no tanks, just hold your breath and come up and breathe out of your snorkle). We were using Hawaiian slings for lobster......not exactly legal, LOL. Had about 40. Two Marine patrol boats swooped around our little twelve foot aluminum john boat. We were below and heard and saw the boats. So, Billy came to each of us, grabbed all the lobster we had, put them into his shortie wetsuit, (no Mark...you won't get me on this...he had a tank suit under the shortie, LOL, HAH), and stuffed it under a coral head........then, up we went. MP guys were all for taking us and the boat to jail. Billy said it was his boat.....could only take him. Well, they did, and let us take the boat to shore. Later, we went back for the lobster, and Billy was released on his own recognizance, (fireman and Med Tech). He went to court.......no evidence.......LOL....LOVED IT! KEITH Check out the first user review on THree Bad Men!


    God, she reminds me of me! DUKE

  • A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.."

  • LOL Mark, reminds me of when me and the boys were free diving for lobster off N. Miami Beach in about 30 feet of water, (free diving now.....no tanks, just hold your breath and come up and breathe out of your snorkle). We were using Hawaiian slings for lobster......not exactly legal, LOL. Had about 40. Two Marine patrol boats swooped around our little twelve foot aluminum john boat. We were below and heard and saw the boats. So, Billy came to each of us, grabbed all the lobster we had, put them into his shortie wetsuit, (no Mark...you won't get me on this...he had a tank suit under the shortie, LOL, HAH), and stuffed it under a coral head........then, up we went. MP guys were all for taking us and the boat to jail. Billy said it was his boat.....could only take him. Well, they did, and let us take the boat to shore. Later, we went back for the lobster, and Billy was released on his own recognizance, (fireman and Med Tech). He went to court.......no evidence.......LOL....LOVED IT! KEITH Check out the first user review on THree Bad Men!


    Careful what you post on the web, Keith. They may still be looking for you, ya ol' law breaker! lol


    Mark

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

  • LOL, you try free diving for lobster with a big homemade sling shot 30 or 40 feet down, Mark, my friend. Yet folks could put on double tanks and go down and clean out a whole reef by hand. Remember, sharks and cudas are swimming all around and follow you up to the boat and back down, LOL. When in the Keys in about 14 feet of water, we were always most legal and caught them with lightly gloved hands!


    In the 10 years I did that........only time we ever had a problem, and it was thrown out for lack of evidence. Sure was a unique type of fun, though. After just being there about 3 weeks or so........I sent home for Money from Mom and Dad telling them if I had to eat another lobster or fresh snapper, grouper, etc. I would DIE..........I just wanted some hamburger and chicken. I could hear my Mom's angry roar from Atlanta.....and I was in Miami Beach! Dad and Mom LOVED seafood almost as much as I do.......Hah, was pretty funny now that I think back. Just wanted some hamburger or pot roast.


    Every Christmas though, I would go home to Atlanta first and Tampa later, and bring about 100 FL lobster tails, some fresh conch, some shrimp, scallops, clams, and fish...........what a party I threw every Christmas when I visited home.........everyone was invited. It was very rare that anyone missed those parties, LOL! KEITH


    LOL Mark, reminds me of when me and the boys were free diving for lobster off N. Miami Beach in about 30 feet of water, (free diving now.....no tanks, just hold your breath and come up and breathe out of your snorkle). We were using Hawaiian slings for lobster......not exactly legal, LOL. Had about 40. Two Marine patrol boats swooped around our little twelve foot aluminum john boat. We were below and heard and saw the boats. So, Billy came to each of us, grabbed all the lobster we had, put them into his shortie wetsuit, (no Mark...you won't get me on this...he had a tank suit under the shortie, LOL, HAH), and stuffed it under a coral head........then, up we went. MP guys were all for taking us and the boat to jail. Billy said it was his boat.....could only take him. Well, they did, and let us take the boat to shore. Later, we went back for the lobster, and Billy was released on his own recognizance, (fireman and Med Tech). He went to court.......no evidence.......LOL....LOVED IT! KEITH Check out the first user review on THree Bad Men!

    God, she reminds me of me! DUKE

  • A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.


    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."


    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.


    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


    The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

  • This morning it was so damned cold here, that I saw a Democrat with his hands in his own pockets!

    "Never apologize. It´s a sign of weakness."

  • Last week in Texoma (North Texas and Southern Oklahoma) our grounds were covered with solid ice! This is more ice than I've EVER seen in this area. The ice pack is just now melting away. Anyway, this is what I posted on my Facebook page...



    It's So Cold Outside. (How Cold is it?)
    • It’s so cold, We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
    • It's so cold that the local flasher was caught “describing” himself to women.


    •It's so cold, you light a candle and the flame freezes
    • your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass
    • Politicians are sleeping with their own wives in order to keep warm.
    • The Statue of Liberty put the torch INSIDE... her dress.
    • Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets....
    • mailmen are watching out for both dogs and polar bears


    • It's so cold, I just saw two cockroaches with jumper cables, trying to get a mouse started


    • It's so cold that instead of the finger, drivers are giving each other the mitten.


    • It’s so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket


    • It's so cold, the polar bears at the Dallas Zoo are refusing to sit outdoors!



    AND THIS JUST IN: Tonight's "Global Warming Meeting" has been cancelled!

  • Irish Burial at Sea.



    Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.


    Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.


    They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.


    After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'


    Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.


    'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'


    After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.


    Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'


    Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.


    So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.


    Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.


    'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'


    WAIT FOR IT









    'Aye 'tis,


    NOW hand me dat shovel.'

  • 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING....


    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


    And...


    6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


    THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


    The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

    "Never apologize. It´s a sign of weakness."

  • I did NOT see that punchline coming! :))):


    Been having a good time catching up on posts this morning, and this thread has definitely given me some good laughs!


  • A veteran of WW II applied for a job at a bank. The impersonal interviewer continued to ask question after question, scribbling notes and never looking at the veteran.
    "Most recent position?" asked tbe official.
    "Supply officer", replied the applicant.
    "Duration of employment?"
    "Three and a half years."
    "Reason for termination?"
    The applicant stopped and thought for a moment, then answered, "We won."

    Cheers - Jay:beer:
    "Not hardly!!!"

  • As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a damn anymore If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, The good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it


    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


    8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.


    9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.


    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


    15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


    16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


    HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........? or did I get it from you?