A Friendly Subject

Hi

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all of the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions filled, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.



Regards

Arthur

Quote from arthurarnell

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all of the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions filled, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

I hate to tell you, but those same silly things happen here in the US as well!

well we dont do perscriptions in the supermarket down under you have to go to the chemist to get it filled, and in my state you cant even buy your beer/wine in the supermarket you have to go to the bottleshop or the drive through at the pub. so which would you want your way or mine

cheers smokey

chester! job well done.

Jim and Sue - you folks sure come up with good stuff!
Cheers - Jay

I don't know if there is another Jokes thread here so im posting some I just got today. I know if there is another Jokes thread, wee, our esteemed Moderators will know what to do.

Anyway, these are worded exactly from some Courtroom transcrips had on them. No joke....

Atty: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"
Wit: "Where am I Cathy?"
Atty: "And why did that upset you?"
WIt: "My name is Susan."
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "What gear were you in at the moment of impact?"
Wit: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "This Myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?"
Wit: "Yes."
Atty: "And in what ways does it effect your memory?"
Wit: "I forget."
Atty: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
Wit: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
Wit: "Uh...he's twenty."
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Wit: "Are you $h****** me?"
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "So---the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Wit: "Yes."
Atty: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Wit: "I was gett'in laid!"
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "She had three children, right?"
Wit: "Yes."
Atty: "How many were boys?"
Wit: "None."
Atty: "Were there any girls?"
Wit: "Are you KIDDING me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"
__________________________________________________________________

Atty: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Wit: "By death."
Atty: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Wit: "Now by whose death do you suppose terminated it?"
___________________________________________________________________

Atty: "Can you describe the individual?"
Wit: "He was about medium heigth and had a beard."
Atty: "Was this a male or female?"
Wit: "Guess."
___________________________________________________________________

Atty: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you preformed on dead people?"
Wit: "All my autopsies are preformed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?"
_______________________________________________________________

Atty: "All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
Wit: "Oral."
_______________________________________________________________

Atty: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
Wit: "The autopsy started about 8:30PM."
Atty: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?"
Wit: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!"
_______________________________________________________________

Atty: "Doctor, before you preformed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "Did you check for breathing?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Wit: "No."
Atty: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"
Wit: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Atty: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"
Wit: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."

The best laugh I have had in ages!!! I am still chuckling now.

THANKS!!!

and more please

Thanks Elly, ChiliBill, glad you liked them, and glad I made your day. :-)) I got these this morning from a good friend in Washington, and they made my day as well.

Quote from The Ringo Kid

I don't know if there is another Jokes thread here so im posting some I just got today. I know if there is another Jokes thread, wee, our esteemed Moderators will know what to do.

As a matter of fact, we have a rather long thread (over fifty pages, I think) entitled A Friendly Subject, where we have been posting jokes and funny stories for a long while. I merged both threads. I can't guarantee that every single joke here is completely clean, but for the most part, I believe they are.

You've got a lot of reading, Carl!!

Thanks for the jokes!

I especially like the comments of the folks who strongly considered the fact that they might need a new attorney!

Chester

Subject: Is it Scotch?

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked,

"Is it Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

How about some Dear Abby letters?.....

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?

CURIOUS

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins.
My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the
morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that
is his hobby.

---------------------------

.....I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

---------------------------

.....I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.

---------------------------

.....I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

---------------------------

.....Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

---------------------------

.....Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

---------------------------

.....I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

---------------------------

.....My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

---------------------------

.....I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

---------------------------

.....Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did
it.

---------------------------

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause.

---------------------------

I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting
officer.

---------------------------

..... Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years
ago and he is a doctor.

---------------------------

.....This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said
"I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see
each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but
he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for
what he can get?

GERTIE

DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and
make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.
Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a
cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our
final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.

FORTY YEARS HITCHED

DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd
like?

CAROL

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?

KAY

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife
had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me,
can a baby this big be that early?

WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?

CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?

JAKE

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and
he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?

ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if
he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

SAM IN CAL.

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?

TED

DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?

RITA

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my
age with no bad habits.

ROSE

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

---------------------------

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and day.

A brunette, a redhead & a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know? The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY!," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those readers unfortunate enough to work or go to school in a PC environment, we offer Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid


He's a few clowns short of a circus.


She's a few fries short of a happy meal.


The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.


He's all foam, no beer.


Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.


The butter has slipped off his pancake.


She couldn't pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel.


He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.


Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.


His belt doesn't go through all the loops.


The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.


If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.


Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.


Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled

Routinely, I would have bunched this with my previous post, but I felt it deserved a space of it's own. When you get to the end of the story, I think you'll see why.

Chester

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. .....till the boat sank.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, wondering if he'll ever get off the island, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But--but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned--and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... "
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean..." he replied, "...I can check [the John Wayne Message Board] from here?"

That is so priceless, Jim. Where did you come up with that one?
Cheers - Jay

Found it in Back Woods Home Magazine, under Humor.

Chester

Jim

the guy in this story is he a few slices short of a loaf?

Elly