A Friendly Subject

Thanks for bringing that back, Mrs. C.

And speaking of my wacky sense of humor, I can't believe I haven't posted these here already. Credit goes to gt12pack, who shared them in the chat room a few months back. I have gotten more mileage and laughs from them!!

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?

Hop in!

What do you say to a hitchhiker with no legs?

Need a lift?

Sorry . . . those just tickle my funny bone!!!!

Mrs. C

Quote from Stumpy

Naturally, the following was intended as a joke but knowing the political preferences of the New York Times, it's probably pretty close to the mark.
BIKER STORY Receives New York Times Best

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

Stumpy you are so right. Look at ground zero the liberal news have said nothing good about that place, or anything that is connected to it if it sheds a good light on the Republicans. They need this to happen to them.

Police Dept. Applicant Test

[INDENT]

A man, having applied to join the Clovis, New Mexico, police force, is being interviewed.

The Chief says, "Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you."

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, "Take this gun with 13 bullets, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a rabbit."

The man asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Fantastic attitude!" says the Chief, "When can you start?"

[/INDENT]

Colorado Rancher's Wife....


A blond marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him
down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells
him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be
bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very
confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I
guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Chalk up one for the Blonde!

Her 4th Wedding

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the
sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color
are you looking for?

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our
way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never
spoke to each other again.

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened.'

Meet Marvin!

Hi

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender have you seen my brother?
The bartender replies I don't know what does he look like?

An elephant looking at a naked man says how do you breathe through one that small.

Regards

Arthur

I was out walking the dog and i had to go through the cemetry,as i passed a woman she said " morning " and i replied " no,just walking the dog ".

very poor i know please forgive me!

Paddy's reading a newspaper and says " Declan where's jeopardy?"

Declan " i don't know Paddy,why?"

Paddy " it says here that there are a 1000 jobs in jeopardy so i was thinking of going there"

Quote from arthurarnell

Hi

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender have you seen my brother?
The bartender replies I don't know what does he look like?

An elephant, looking at a naked man, says how do you breathe through one that small?

Regards

Arthur

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It took me a few times reading those to finally realize there were two jokes, totally unrelated to each other.

That second one is a HOOT!! What a mental picture!

Mrs. C

Guess for the sake of mankind, this wasn't true or we wouldn't be here.

very funny Stumpy,thanks for posting :teeth_smile::teeth_smile::teeth_smile:

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his
problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it
to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullsh-t!'

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'

Quote from Stumpy

Guess for the sake of mankind, this wasn't true or we wouldn't be here.

Good one Jim, thanks

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving us technical advice.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you'll have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh***in' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."

Quote from Stumpy

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving us technical advice.

OMG! That is so darn funny!!!!
:teeth_smile:

Buying Monkeys -

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to
the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10
and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the
efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 !
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant
would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at
all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can
sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their
savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the "700 billion economic
bailout plan" works !!!

As the rest of the country changes their clocks once again in accordance with the laws of daylight savings time, we in Arizona do not change our clocks at any time. Perhaps it is better explained this way, as a wise old Arizona Indian chief once said when daylight savings was explained to him:

"Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."