A Friendly Subject

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    You have to Love the Irish



    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'


    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'


    The man said, 'I do, Father.'


    The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'


    Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'


    'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.


    'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.


    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'


    O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'


    The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'


    O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    Paddy was in New York .

    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.


    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.


    After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.


    'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'


    'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.


    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'


    'Just water,' says the priest.


    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'


    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.


    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.


    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.


    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.


    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'


    Patton said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'


    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


    http://us.ard.yahoo.com/SIG=15…http://sbc.yahoo.com/help

    A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

    A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease..

    'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

    'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

    'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

    Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

    Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

    De gustibus non est disputandum


         Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)

    Now some people are really stupid!!!!
    Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.


    This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.


    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00 A family member placed a call to Citibank.


    Here is the exchange:


    Family Member:'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'


    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'


    Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'


    Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'


    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'


    Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'


    Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'


    Citibank:'Excuse me?'


    Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'


    Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


    Supervisor gets on the phone:



    Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'


    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'


    Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'


    Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'


    Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)


    Citibank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'


    Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


    After they get the fax:



    Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'


    Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'


    Citibank:'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

    (What is wrong with these people?!?)


    Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'


    Citibank: 'That might help...'


    Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'


    Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'


    Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'





    (Priceless!!)


    You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!







    Biker Chili

    A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis , SD.
    He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker,

    'If you ain't gonna eat that, ja' mind if I do?'

    The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says,

    'Nah, go right ahead.'

    Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather biker fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

    He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

    The sight is very shocking and he immediately vomits the chili back into the bowl.

    The old biker quietly says,

    'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'


    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Sarah Crosses Party Lines

    The election is over. It's time to repair friendships with members of the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

    The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up..

    For instance, Gov. Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

    She has set up a moose-hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in various fields to assist them.

    Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt.

    Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening.

    And good old Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters while the hunters are afield.

    What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Nancy Pelosi is now a saint, if you can believe it ?

    On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

    He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

    The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

    Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

    The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

    As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

    During the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted."

    The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all." She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

    She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!"


    De gustibus non est disputandum

    GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
    1. He called everyone brother
    2. He liked Gospel
    3. He didn't get a fair trial


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
    1. He went into His Father's business
    2. He lived at home until he was 33
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
    1. He talked with His hands
    2. He had wine with His meals
    3. He used olive oil


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
    1. He never cut His hair
    2. He walked around barefoot all the time
    3. He started a new religion


    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
    1. He was at peace with nature
    2. He ate a lot of fish
    3. He talked about the Great Spirit

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
    1. He never got married.
    2. He was always telling stories.
    3. He loved green pastures.

    But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
    1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
    3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


    Can I get an


    AMEN!!


    Quote from Robbie

    I thought this article was both interesting and amusing, however maybe not so much so for those affected.

    :agent:



    Recently, I received an email titled "you named it what? which bears a similarity to this article but it wouldn't be in good taste to post it where the whole forum could read it. If you'd like to see it, Rob, PM me your email address and I'll forward it to you.

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .
    　
    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

    85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
    　
    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
    　
    Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

    Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

    Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

    Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

    Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared.
    　
    I Love This Country!

    It's The Government That Scares Me!

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Job at the FBI


    The FBI had an opening for an assassin    .

    After all the background checks, interviews
    And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
    Three men were tested.


    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
    The men to a large metal door and handed
    Him a gun.


    'We must know that you will follow your
    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
    In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
    Never shoot my wife.'


    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
    For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


    The second man was given the same instructions.
    He took the gun and went into the room. All was
    Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.


    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
    But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
    Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


    Finally, it was the last man's turn. He was given the
    Same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the
    Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
    After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
    Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
    Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
    man, wiping the sweat from his brow.


    'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to
    Beat her to death with the chair.'

    Edited once, last by FarmerSteve ().

    Some of you probably heard this joke and i hope nobody from South Dakota takes offense.


    When Custer and his men were surrounded by 3,000 indians he told his men, "Men I have some good news and some bad news, the bad news is were all going to die, the good news is we dont have to go back thru South Dakota"


    In a similar vein, however I am unsure if this is a true story or not.


    Credit Card Bill
    In January 2000, a man received a bill for his, as yet unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In February, he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.


    He called them and was told that it was a computer error, and that they would take care of it.


    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store when he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.


    He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again, and was told that they would take care of it.


    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.


    The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.


    Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game by mailing them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.


    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00, and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.


    The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.


    :agent:

    Regards
    Robbie