A Friendly Subject

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    Hi folks


    I'm not sure about this one:


    A man is driving down a small country lane when suddenly his car stops. Getting out the man lifts the bonnet of the car up and after an examination can't find whats wrong. Suddenly he hears a voice. Look at your points" the man looks around but can only see a horse looking standing looking over the fence. Then he hears the voice again Look at your points. He checks and sure enough finds the problem.
    driving on he comes to a pub and going in he orders a drink. While having the drink he tells the landlord what had happened, including the part that the only living thing around him had been the horse.
    What colour was the horse, the land lord enquired.
    Why White said the stranger.
    You were very lucky sir, Normally there's a black horse standing there. And he doesn't know anything about engines.


    Regards



    Arthur

    Walk Tall - Talk Low

    Hi Author not sure I get that joke above would you mind explaining it please. ;)


    In the meantime here is another joke for everyone to get their teeth into.


    A drunk is sitting at a bar, and says, "Bartender! Another drink."
    The bartender shakes his head and says, "No you've had enough."


    "Well," the drunk says. "How about if I show you something really cool? Then will you give me a drink?"


    "Sure," the bartender says. "But it's gotta be pretty cool."


    The drunk takes a tiny piano and a frog out of his pockets and sets them on the bar. The frog starts banging away, playing a beautiful song.
    The bartender gives him a drink. The drunk downs it, and orders another.


    "No way," the bartender says. "Now you've really had enough."


    "If you give me a drink, I'll show you something even cooler," says the drunk.
    The bartender agrees.
    The drunk pulls out a rat, and sets it next to the piano. The frog starts banging away again, and the rat starts singing to the music.
    The bartender is amazed, and gives him another drink.


    A man who had been watching all this comes up to the drunk and says, "You've got a million dollar act there. I'll give you $500,000 for them right now."


    "Not for sale," the drunk croaks.


    "Ok, $500,000 just for the frog."


    "Not for sale."


    "Ok, $500,000 just for the rat."


    The drunk agrees, and the man pays him and leaves.


    The bartender says to the drunk, "What did you do that for? You broke up a million dollar act!"


    "Not really," the drunk says. "You see, the frog's a ventriloquist."


    :agent:

    Regards
    Robbie

    Being that I'm rapidly approaching the age range targeted in this joke, I find it funny . . . sort of . . . :uhuh: . . . .


    Getting older


    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"


    "Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"


    "Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."


    "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.


    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."


    "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"


    "No, I have one every morning at 6:30."


    With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"


    "I don't wake up until 7:00."

    :o

    Chester :newyear: (and the Mrs. :angel1: , who has a ways to go before getting there)

    Man comes home from work and says to his wife the mail man says he has made love to every woman in this street bar one.
    His wife thought for a moment and said
    That'll be Mrs Jones at 47 she always was a snooty bitch.

    Walk Tall - Talk Low

    1 what do you call two dingo's walking through a maternity ward?


    window shoppers




    2 what is green and travels at 200 miles an hour?


    kermit the frog on a speeding train



    3 what is black, white and red all over?


    a zebra with sunburn



    4a what is the defination of agony?


    teeth marks on the toilet door


    4b what is the defination of more agony?


    more teeth marks on the toilet door


    4c what is the defination of extreme agony?


    no toilet door


    just a few to brighten your day


    cheers smokey

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

    I stole this from another forum, but if you don't tell I won't:



    These are actual analogies and metaphors found in American high school essays (allegedyl):



    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.


    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.


    He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


    She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.


    She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.


    Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.


    He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.


    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.


    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn t.


    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.


    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.


    The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.


    Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan s teeth.


    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.


    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.


    Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.


    Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.


    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


    Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.


    "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.


    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.


    The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.


    He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


    She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.


    Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.


    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


    Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.


    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

    Here's an old one but goody.





    What do you call a corrupt Lawyer?



    :rolleyes:



    :angry:



    :blink:



    :dead:



    :uhuh:



    :unsure:



    :stunned:



    Your Honor!


    Cheers, Hondo B)



    Quote

    "When you come slam bang up against trouble, it never looks half as bad if you face up to it"

    - John Wayne quote

    Not all lawyers are that bad. This is the story of a very nice lawyer.


    One day a lawyer came down the road in a limousine. When passing a man standing in a field with tall grass he asked his driver to stop.


    “What are you doing?” the lawyer asked.
    “Well you see I have no money for food so I am eating grass” the man in the field replied.
    “That is a shame! That is really a shame! Why don’t you come home with me? Get into the car” said the lawyer.
    The man in the field lightened up but said “No, I couldn’t do that because you see my wife is here eating grass too.”
    “Oh no! That is really a shame. Have her come along to!” said the lawyer.
    The man looked a little bothered and answered “No, I couldn’t do that. You see I have eight children here eating grass too.”
    “Oh my God” said the lawyer “That is the most tragic thing I have ever heard! What a shame! Tell you what. Have them all get into the limo.”
    The man looked gratefully at the lawyer and said “You must be the nicest man I have ever met!”
    The lawyer replied “Think nothing of it my friend. The grass in my garden is almost two feet high!”

    heres a couple of ryhmes you may get a giggle from


    mary had a little lamb whos fleece was as black as charcole
    every time it jumped the barbwire fence it ripped its flaming a**hole


    willie was a watchdog counting out his money along came a bumblebee and bite him on his
    ask no questions tell no lies i saw a policeman doing up his
    flies are nuisances mossiques are worse thats the end of my little verse


    hope you get the giggles


    cheers smokey

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

    Hi all :D


    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
    repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.


    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."


    The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.


    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."


    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.


    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."


    The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"


    The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul. :lol:



    Regards


    Arthur :D

    Walk Tall - Talk Low

    We considered posting this in eBay Finds, over in General Discussions, but since the auction is over, figured we'd put a link here (also, since it is NOT John Wayne related - but pretty funny - this seemed more appropriate :D ).


    So . . . check this out and have a good chuckle - and make sure you read all the way down through the description . . . :lol:


    SIZE 12 WEDDING DRESS/GOWN NO RESERVE - SURE IS A BEAUTY! CHEAP! USED ONLY ONCE!


    My wife's brother sent us the link, in case you were wondering how a couple married for almost 26 years would have otherwise stumbled upon this listing!


    Chester :newyear:

    chesty


    had such a good giggle


    just a thought you could have said you where thinking of trading up for a newer model ;) or that mrs c was :lol: :lol:


    better yet better to stay with the model you have at least you know all of its little quirks :D


    cheers smokey

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

    Hi all


    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a person who contributed so much to our world of enjoyment which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home at the age of 93.


    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.


    Regards


    Arthur

    Walk Tall - Talk Low

    HAHAHAHA!!!!




    Now that was funny, the leg part not the dying I mean. Sad to see him go, I have done the Hokey Pokey lots of times at wedding dances.

    Life is hard, its even harder when your stupid!!
    -John Wayne

    An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.


    He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Clinton."


    The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."


    The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.


    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."


    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."


    The man thanked him and again just walked away.


    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."


    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"


    The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."


    THE MARINE SNAPPED TO ATTENTION, SALUTED AND SAID,


    "SEE YOU TOMORROW, SIR!" :D

    Random thoughts of an unknown retired person . . .


    I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
    that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my
    garage door opener


    You know I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
    didn't like me anyway.


    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
    beer cans!


    I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have
    something on the ball but you are too tired to bounce it.


    I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it
    "Pumping Rust."


    I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease...that's when your chest is
    falling into your drawers!


    I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
    you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"


    Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case
    of emergency. I think you should write, "A GOOD DOCTOR!"


    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
    we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their
    pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
    delivered the mail?


    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
    as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their
    finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.


    Now I confess, I'm not quite retired yet, but gettin' awful close, so it's good to have these instructions in advance. :lol:


    Chester :newyear:

    Ok. This one is really stupid. You have been warned.


    Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
    Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting
    through a dustbin.


    Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......



    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement,
    through the driving rain,
    he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into
    his road.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes,
    as the box approached
    from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape
    more clearly....It was
    a
    coffin.



    Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head
    down and started
    walking briskly home.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    BUMP........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started
    walking faster.........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    BUMP........BUMP......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    BUMP........BUMP......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........BUMP......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The coffin was closing with his every step, he
    started to jog, but he heard
    the coffin speed up after him......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew
    the coffin was only
    seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he
    pulled out his keys, his
    hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived
    inside slamming the
    front door behind him. He shot into his front room,
    and slumped into
    his comfy chair.



    Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin
    smashed its way through the
    front door. The force of the impact broke the lock
    off the coffin allowing
    the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it
    continued its chase.....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his
    shaking legs could take
    him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the
    door........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the
    landing and launched
    itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash,
    the bathroom door flew
    off its hinges.....


    The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
    approach the young
    terrified lad.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached
    for his bathroom cabinet......


    He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw
    it at the
    coffin.......still it came ........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it
    ........still it came......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still
    it came......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The coffin stopped.


    Popol Vuh,


    You're right - you warned us!


    And I loved it!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


    IROTFLOL!


    (I have been told I have a strange sense of humor . . . :headbonk: ).


    Mrs. C :angel1: