A Friendly Subject

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor then went down the hall to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Quote from Stumpy

PREGNANT AT 71

. . . "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Here's one that brought a little chuckle . . .

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So do 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

Next thing you know, there is an announcement of the store's PA system -
Cleanup on aisle 25: We have a husband down!

that was great.

liked both of those really needed the laugh after the day i had at work today

cheers smokey

I thought you guys and gals might get a chuckle out of this web site -

Mug Shot Museum: Weird Photos, Weird Crimes, Weird People

The category "Crazed Looking" really tickled my funny bone!

Mrs. C

An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has come up with a near- perfect solution for airport security!

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, plus this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

LIFE SPANS
God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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Grandchildren

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

like it where do you get them from

cheers smokey

an old blind cowboy wanders in an all girl biker bar by mistake.
he finds his wat to the bar stooland orders some coffee.
after sitting there for a while,he yells to the waiter,hey do you want to hear a blonde joke.
the bar immediately falls absolutely silent.in a very husky voice,the women next to him says ,before you tell that joke cowboy,i think its only fair ,given that you are blind,that you should know five things
1.the bartender is blonde with a baseball bat
2.the bouncer is a blonde lady
3.im a 6ft tall 13 stone blondewomen with a black belt in karate
4.the women sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter
5.the lady to your right is ablonde wrestler
now,think about it seriously,mister do you still wanna tell that joke
the blind cowboys thinks for a secound and says
no not if im going to have to explain it five times

Star Wars Kid

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"The Remake"

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__________________
OFF WE GO INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER

A lady went to her priest one day and said, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed - then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to the rectory, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that awful phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

that one was a goodin thanks for the laughs

cheers smokey

Senior Bath Test

During a visit to the senior home, a man asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," the man said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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While we're poking fun at seniors (hey, I are one . . . ), here are some pretty funny bumper stickers (thanks to Cindyrella, who sent an email with them) -

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like them had a quiet chuckle over them thanks for the laughs

cheers smokey

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn't get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell's office and says, "Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell says, "It's me!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

good one chester thanks for the laughs i dont know where you get them but keep them coming

cheers smokey