A Friendly Subject

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  • REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

    1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.

    2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.

    3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.

    4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

  • well done but i have to remember not to read this section when im eating nearly chocked on that one laughing so much

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

  • two men walked into a bar. you would have thought that one of them would have seen it.

    cheers smokey

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

  • A young cowboy goes off to college.
    Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
    He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
    "Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
    About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
    The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
    "I sure did, Dad!"
    "That's my boy!"
    The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

  • Jim, you're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! That was funny. Is he your congressman? :))):

    Cheers :cool: Hondo



    Quote

    "When you come slam bang up against trouble, it never looks half as bad if you face up to it"

    - John Wayne quote

  • That was funny. Is he your congressman? :))):
    Cheers :cool: Hondo

    No, not mine, here's another,


    SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
    I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
    Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
    I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
    Call (555) 555-5555 and ask for Daisy.
    More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever

  • Good ones, Keith, hears another one;


    REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


    1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
    2. Put them on the front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
    3. Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
    4. Leave a note on the door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo and beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter"

  • son told me this one

    there are 2 sisters one is blonde and the other brunnet, they own a cattle ranch and they have $2000 to buy a bull. they find one and the brunnet sister goes and buys it for $1999, after buying it she goes to the telegraph office and writes out the telegraph, the man behind the counter says it will cost $1 a word, asshe has only $1 she thinks for a while and says send comfortable the man behind the counter say why comfortable and she replys my sister is blonde and will read the word slowly .......come for the bull.

    ha ha

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

  • Very good, Smokey, here's another;


    A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a closed packet and told to take it to the fourth floor.
    As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.
    Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

  • The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director,"
    She answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.



    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.



    (wait for it)



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    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)