A Friendly Subject

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  • Hi

    I could never understand algebra. As far as I knew it was if you multiply an apple by an orange you'll get a bunch of cherries. I thought all you got was a fruit salad.



    Walk Tall - Talk Low

  • Good analogy, Arthur. That's about the same way I felt.

    What was odd though was that I did okay in geometry, it was just algebra I couldn't understand. And you know what? I'm 70 years old and do not remember a single occasion during my life when I had to solve an algebra problem that had a practical result. So what's the point of them trying to teach us that gibberish?

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • In my junior year in college, I had an ex-wrestler teaching my course in advanced calculus. This guy was so intimidating that no one dared to ask a question in fear of being chastised for needing to ask. He would put a formula on the chalkboard and write another formula below it, skipping six steps or so, and saying that it was obvious that the first led
    to the second. Needless to say, I made a D in that course and had to take it over. Fortunately, he didn't teach it the next year.
    Cheers - Jay:beer:

    Cheers - Jay:beer:
    "Not hardly!!!"


    Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

    No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

    By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

  • A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city
    and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father
    and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed
    by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
    that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?'

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I
    dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got
    no idee what it is.'

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
    old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
    button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
    room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number
    above the walls light up sequentially.

    They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
    the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24
    year-old blonde woman stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
    to his son, 'Boy.................go getcha Mama

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.

    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
    "Here's a stunning ring for only $40,000" the jeweler said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,"by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

    "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

    ....Don't mess with Old Guys :wink_smile:

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • Clean can be funny

    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
    The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

    The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

    The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ***************************************************************

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

  • Jim and Sue - you must have an encyclopedia of these anecdotes at hand, you have come up with so many of these. They are very enjoyable and put a smile on my face every time!
    Cheers - Jay:beer:

    Cheers - Jay:beer:
    "Not hardly!!!"

  • Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

    Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

    "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on."

  • Bubba and Junior must have been graduates of Texas A&M.

    I know some pretty good Aggie jokes - unfortunately, they're not suitable for a family forum. :teeth_smile:

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • A new addition to Chemistry's Periodic Table Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv),has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

    De gustibus non est disputandum

  • Jim and Sue - you must have an encyclopedia of these anecdotes at hand, you have come up with so many of these. They are very enjoyable and put a smile on my face every time!
    Cheers - Jay:beer:

    We get them in email, run across them on other web sites, etc. By posting them here, we are compiling an encyclopedia of anecdotes, that also includes the other jokes and stories here.

    Chester :newyear:




    I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
    I am an American.

    I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

    I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

    I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

    I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac,
    do it in English.

    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to..

    My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

    I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

    I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

    I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!

    So, shut up already.

    I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
    This is AMERICA

    If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

    I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

    Can I get an AMEN on that one?

    I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

    And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

    I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.

    I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

    I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.
    I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

    I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

    I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

    If this makes me a BAD American,

    then yes, I'm a BAD American.

    If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

    We want our country back!



    Life is hard, its even harder when your stupid!!
    -John Wayne