A Friendly Subject

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    I was talking to Chance on the chatroom last night and we both agreed this place has become a little unfriendly down to many reasons and most of us arnt exactly blameless myself included. However to bring a bit of fun back into this messageboard why doesn't everyone post a joke or funny story to this section of the messageboard, I wonder will some try and get even by posting a topic cut out the jokes. :D


    Heres my joke


    Three men who died at the same time go to meet st. peter at the pearly gates. Peter tells the three men that he can only let one of them into heaven and has decided to let the one in who has had the most spectacular death.


    Peter invites the first man over to tell him how he died. Well St. Peter I thought my wife was having an affair so I returned home from work early to our flat on the fifth story and I knew immediately she was with another man so I searched for her and found her taking a shower but there was no man. I searched throughout the house and finally found him hiding by hanging over a bannister. I went over to him in a rage and stomped furiously on his fingers but the man hung on. I then located a hammer and banged on the mans fingers he dropped but didn't die as something broke his fall. I ran back into the flat picked the microwave and threw it down at the man, it hit him and he died immediately. Then in sorrow at what I'd done I ran got a gun and killed myself, St Peter looked at him and said 'Next'.


    The next man came to st peter and st peter asked him the same question 'How did you die'. Well I was about to take a shower but decided to go on the exercise bike for a few minutes but while I was on it I lost my balance and fell out over the bannister. Luckily however when I was falling I grabbed hold of a beam from the flat below and began to pull myself in. Just as I did this some man came and started stomping on my fingers, I held on for my life and luckily the man went away. He then however came back with a hammer and banged on my fingers and the pain was so bad I lost my grip and dropped but luckily a bush broke my fall. Then as I looked up something flew down hit me and killed me. St Peter looked at the many sorrowfully before saying 'next'.


    The third man came over and St.Peter asked him how did you die. 'Well st Peter picture this your naked and in a fridge.


    :agent:

    Regards
    Robbie

    Like 1

    OK, I'm game . . . .


    Just so you know, I have a pretty goofy sense of humor . . . you've been warned ;) .


    So . . . here's my joke . . .


    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . what?



    (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good :D . )



    A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


    Mrs. Chester :angel1:

    I was in a job interview once, and the guy doing the interview asked me for a joke. This was the one I told. I didn't get the job, but I ran into the guy three years later and he remembered the joke.


    Two mid level executives went to their doctors. Each one was told that he was in bad shape. Too tense, needed to relax. Take up a hobby. Well, they got together that day and tried to think of something. Golf was out, to much stress. Stamp collecting was boring, running was too much work. So they both decided to take up fishing. Low stress and it gets them outside.


    Well they go down to Bass Pro shops and load up. They buy gear, rods, lures, you name it, they bought it. They even went down and bought a pick-up to haul everything around with.


    So, first day they rent a boat and head out on the lake, they're casting away. One throw after another. Man they are working up a sweat just cranking in their lures. Nothing but a water haul. Then they round a bend in the lake, and everything they throw takes a hit. They are hauling in one fish after another. In just an hour, they limit out. They start to pack up when the one guy turns to his buddy.


    "We ought to mark this place so we can find it again when we come back out."


    "Good idea," the second one says. He rummages around in his tackle box for a few minutes and produces a can of black paint. He then proceeds to paint a big black X in the bottom of the boat.


    "Now that's just the dumbest thing I've ever seen," the first exec says, "absolutely stupid."


    "Why?"


    "Well what happens if we don't get the same boat next time?"

    ok here is some for you that ahve been round for donkeys years


    Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?


    A. no idea


    Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


    A. still no idea


    hope you like


    cheers smokey

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

    Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?


    A. Nuthin', he ain't gonna come anyway.

    Smokey's joke reminded me of this one. Dukefan1

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

    :) Hi


    Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping. On the first night as they lay looking at the stars Holmes turns to Watson and says "What are you thinking about Watson?"
    Taking a deep breath Watson replies:
    "Looking up at the stars and the golden moon I think that this is the only inhabited planet in the entire universe and that a divine being made this wonderful planet and put all this beautiful trees, rivers and fields on it, and then he made each star and placed them into the night sky and it gives me a feeling of great peace and tranquility.Then Watson turned to Holmes and said what are you thinking about Holmes.
    Sherlock looked at Watson and replied
    "Some b*****d's stolen the tent". <_<


    Sorry about that


    Arthur

    Walk Tall - Talk Low

    Ha Ha Arthur, I heard that the other day, but only it was the Lone Ranger and Tonto. :lol: :lol:

    Life is hard, its even harder when your stupid!!
    -John Wayne

    Well, being that it's St. Patrick's Day, and I've got some Scottish blood running through my veins, here's one for you folks over in the UK. Here's the definitive answer for those who wonder what the difference is between an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman.


    Three subjects of the Queen strolled into a pub. One was an Englishman, one an Irishman, and one a Scotsman. They all had a considerable thirst and each one ordered up a pint of Guiness. When the ale arrived at the table, it was discovered that there was a fly in each of the glasses. The Englishman immediately called the waiter back and demanded a new pint. The Irishman merely reached into the glass and flicked the fly out. The Scotsman reached into the glass, picked up the fly and squeezed it, saying, "Spit it out! Spit it out!!" :P:P



    Chester the Scot :newyear:

    Nice one Mr. Chester but its usually the Irishman whom is the last mentioned.


    Along the same lines paddy English man, paddy Scots man and Paddy Irish man were given permission by their wives to take one luxury item to the beach. Paddy English man brought a pair of sun glasses, paddy Scots man brought some sun cream and Paddy Irish man brought a car door. Paddy Irishman was asked why he brought a car door his reply was 'well if it gets hot I can wind down the window'.


    :agent:

    Regards
    Robbie

    ok heres one


    Q how do you confuse an irish man?


    A put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his "pick"



    Q how do you know when there has been an elephant in your fridge


    A footprints in the butter



    Q how do you fit 100 people in a mini minor



    A you put maxwell smart in the front and 99 in the back

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

    Knock, knock!


    Who's there?


    Cows go!


    Cows go who?


    No, cows go MOO!



    Any of you who have children know how much children love telling "knock, knock" jokes. What's bad is when they try making them up :( . I have made a point of learning a few cute ones and teaching them to my children so they are not too annoying to others :rolleyes: . The one above is one of the lesser known ones.


    Mrs. Chester :angel1:

    Well, I'd tell a few jokes but about the only ones I know are off-color and/or risque so since there are folks on the board who get easily offended I'd better not. :lol:

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Quote

    Originally posted by Stumpy@Mar 18 2004, 06:44 AM
    Well, I'd tell a few jokes but about the only ones I know are off-color and/or risque so since there are folks on the board who get easily offended I'd better not. :lol:


    Stumpy,


    It's not so much folks that are easily offended, but that we try to maintain a family atmosphere here. I'm guessing that if you were in my home, you would not tell certain jokes in the presence of my children, although if they were not around, we could have a good laugh together over some of those jokes you know :lol: . One of our local radio stations periodically has what the host calls the "Bad Joke Hour." He gives ample warning ahead of time, so those who are easily offended can choose to not tune in that hour. I won't listen to it with kids in the room - it really is bad. But I might sneak into the bathroom and listen privately, if the opportunity presents itself :D - VERY offensive, but often VERY funny (sometimes not)!


    Though I know some jokes I would not tell to, or in the presence of, my children (or to the preacher :rolleyes: ), I really enjoy jokes that I can tell to anyone without fear of offending.


    I guess that's one of the reasons I enjoy many of the older movies. While some of them might be boring to the kids, at least I don't worry if they should walk into the room (and it turns out they often enjoy them!). It doesn't mean that I don't ever watch movies that my kids can't - I do. But many of the films I wouldn't want my kids to see, I have no particular desire to see either - they don't seem to have any redeeming value whatsoever.


    (Stepping down off my soapbox - sorry 'bout that!)


    And thanks, Stumpy, for restraining yourself :wub:!


    Mrs. Chester :angel1:

    Quote

    "I'm guessing that if you were in my home, you would not tell certain jokes in the presence of my children"


    And you'd be right, Mrs. C. Actually, I'm more strait-laced than you might imagine. However, as an old GI, you'd certainly never mistake me for a Sunday-school teacher. :lol:


    Quote

    "I guess that's one of the reasons I enjoy many of the older movies."


    Again, we are as one in our thinking. Believe it or not, I hardly ever attend movies anymore because I hate all the filthy language and sex with which most of them are filled.

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Hi Stumpy


    You were looking for raciness well this second true story inlcudes a pregnancy and both stories are contemporary hope you all like them. I am happy that many people are taking part in this thread.


    Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
    "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
    the man shouted,
    "That's not what I said!" :D


    A man spoke frantically into the phone,
    "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".
    "Is this her first child?"
    the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted,
    "This is her husband!".
    :agent:

    Regards
    Robbie

    An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.


    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly gaining on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet.


    But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.


    "OH MY GOD! ..."


    Time stopped.


    The bear froze.


    The forest was silent.


    Even the river stopped moving ...


    As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...


    "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"


    Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"


    "VERY WELL." Said God.


    The light went out.


    The river ran.


    The sounds of the forest resumed....and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive. :lol: :lol: :lol:

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    Dilbert's Rules of Order


    1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.


    2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


    3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.


    4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


    5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.


    6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


    7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?


    8. My reality check bounced.


    9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


    10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.


    11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


    12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


    13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


    14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.


    15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


    16. Don't be irreplaceable. if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


    17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.


    18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


    19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


    20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


    21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.


    22. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


    23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

    De gustibus non est disputandum

    We've got a couple of funny things to share with you this morning.


    First of all, the Mrs. says she's been wanting to share this for some time now. For any of you who download music (through whatever service you might use), she says one you should look for is Weird Al Yankovic's eBay song. If you have ever taken part in transactions on eBay, you will get a big kick out of it.


    Secondly, I'm guessing that by now, anyone who was on the Internet around the time of the World Trade Center bombings saw this picture (which turned out to be a hoax):



    Well, it seems some very creative folks have come up with some pretty funny variants of the "tourist" in many other circumstances. While some of them are peculiarly American, some would be humorous to almost anybody, no matter where they are from. Here is a link to that gallery of pictures (just below the picture, you click on the "next" link to progress through them):


    "Tourist Guy" variants



    Chester :newyear: