A Friendly Subject

Quote from chester7777

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US ***

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME ***

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone and reported that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard..." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake..."
_____________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________


SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex..." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________


ROMANCE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth," he replied
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out his answer, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.


One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________


SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.... It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________


DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please!!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Display More

I laughed my sox off at these except and call me a doddery old gost if you must BUT... I did not get the supersex one?

Is it an American thing?

Quote from Elly

I laughed my sox off at these except...... and call me a doddery old goat if you must....... BUT... I did not get the supersex one?

Is it an American thing?

Not really, here I will try to explain it for you.

Supersex.

Sup er Sex?

Soup Or Sex? (Say it real fast)

Oh yes I get it now thanks for the explaination

Quote from Elly

Oh yes I get it now thanks for the explaination

Elly, it's not an American thing,
I've used a version of that gag for years!!

Quote from Elly

Oh yes I get it now thanks for the explaination

glad that I was able to be of service.

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!

Overheard at Hartsfield International..

"Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 522 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 522."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us"

I Love it....

How to wash your car with only one bucket of water

[extendedmedia]

Hi

At the risk of upsetting everybody in the world I offer the following:-

Terrorist Threat Levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'A bit cross'. The English have not been 'A bit cross' since the blitz in1940 when tea levels all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-catagorised from 'Tiresome' to 'A bloody nuisance' a warning level last used during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their level threat from'Annoyed' to 'Lets get the B******s'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it had raised its terror level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higer levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The risk was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout loudly and excitedly' to 'Elaborate military posturing'. Two more levels remain 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change sides'.

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in uniform and sing marching songs'. They also have to higer levels. 'Invade a country' and 'Lose'.

Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautiful designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive stikes, on all their allies, just in case.

And in the colonies

New Zealand has also raised its security level from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA! Due to continuing defence cuts (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Ministers bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation which is 'Oh No, I hope Australia will come and rescue us In the evet of invasion, new Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a stategis defensive position called 'Bondi@

Australia meanwhile has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be alright mate'. Three more escalation levels remain. 'Crikey' 'I think we need to cancel the barbi this weekend' and 'The barbi is cancelled'. so far no situation has warrented the use of the final escalation level.

Regards and A Happy Christmas

Arthur

Arthur this is a scream!

Thank the Lord some of us retain the ability to laugh at ourselves.

Avery merry Christmas and a Happy new year to you all

good one arthur

cheers smokey

ps the barbie wont ever be cancelled

Five US surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, a Nevada surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

A Colorado surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third, a Montana surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best because everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

A New York surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, a Washington D.C. surgeon, shuts them all up when he observes: "You're all wrong; Democrats are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Right on, D.C. surgeon.

stumpy thats so funny thanks for the belly laugh

cheers smokey

With all the actions taking place on Christmas day, President Obama should take this incident very seriously.

A good way for him to let us know how serious he is about the terrorist and making our country secure, he should appoint an underwear czar.


That way the President can be briefed.

Cheers

Quote from Hondo Duke Lane

. . . he should appoint an underwear czar.

That way the President can be briefed.

I was almost ready to move your post to the Politics folder . . . 'til I got to the last two lines! That is pretty darn funny!

This should make you smile:
image011.jpg

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia ..
have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet any more. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour but by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

hondo and chester you really out did yourselves this time

cheers smokey

THINGS YOU NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE 65.

Have you noticed how Obama is still not taking this terrorist incident serious. When President Bush was in office, and a passenger attempted to blow up a plane from France, the President ordered all the passengers take off their shoes for inspection.

Obama has not order an underwear search yet! What's his problem?

Cheers