A Friendly Subject

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the American down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

keep the laughs coming

cheers smokey

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?
· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
· Could we run away?
· What does my wife think?
· What about the kids?
· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
· What does the law say about this situation?
· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
· Should I call 9-1-1?
· Why is this street so deserted?
· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
· This is all so confusing!

good one just what i need a few good laughs

cheers smokey

I was hard-pressed to decide whether to put the following story here or in the I Hate Snakes thread . . . this won out!

Talk about a comedy of errors . . .

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

Personally, I LOVE puns!

Enjoy!

Mrs. C

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PUNS FOR THOSE WITH A HIGHER IQ

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking....

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before....

Practice safe eating - always use condiments....

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death....

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy....

A hangover is the wrath of grapes....

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play....

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?...

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion....

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red....

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I....

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired....

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)...

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana....

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes...

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off....

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion....

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed...

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress....

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered...

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it....

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under....

Every calendar's days are numbered....

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine....

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat...

He had a photographic memory that was never developed....

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large....

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall....

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.....

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses....

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Some of those puns are really bad.... but now at least I got some more to torture friends and family with.

tanks for some really good laughs and the puns are exellent as well

cheers smokey

This is pretty amazing! I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.




Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Thanks Stumpy! Put a smile on my face.

That was frightening, yet smile inducing at the same time. It correctly guessed Toy Story*!

*These results might have been skewered to generate laughs.

Would be my favourite movie too...! - I am not an American, but I always was very interested in space exploration and admired the great things NASA has done in human spaceflight since I saw Apollo 8 flying around the moon in 1968. Obama has cancelled all the great plans NASA had for the future (Constellation Program) and the USA no longer will be the leading nation in space exploration. AND THAT MADE ME REAL ANGRY!!!

I'll apologize to all my California friends on the board in case the following offends you but I couldn't resist posting this email forward. And if you're honest [with yourself], you'll admit that some of the gibes contained therein contain at least a grain of truth.

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if....

1. Your co-worker has 12 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans aregrown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . Is pot legal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.50 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember .. . . Is pot illegal or legal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they give you one.......

Quote

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if....

1. Your co-worker has 12 body piercings and none are visible.

Not just California.

Quote

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Since I understand Spanish pretty well, it's all the same to me. And having lived abroad for six years off and on, and traveled, I'm used to everyone not talking English.:)

Quote

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

Why yes... in my immediate family, actually.

Quote

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans aregrown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

I can't since I don't drink coffee but my husband might be able to. He loves his coffee.

Quote

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

Definitely not just California!

Quote

11. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

There's so much filmmaking going on here now that it may very well be George Clooney. In fact, they closed down a major road a half mile from where I work for a movie shoot this morning.

Quote

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

Absolutely NOT just California!

Quote

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

That's everywhere in this country.

Quote

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

See no. 14.

Quote

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

My dog had a personal trainer for two years. He still only listens to me part of the time.

Quote

19. The Terminator was your governor.

That would have been fun.

Quote

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they give you one.......

Until they catch you and threaten to deport you, which is what happened to a college student here who had been brought to the U.S. by her parents when she was a small child. It was a VERY big news story here for a while.

__________________

i like that one stumpy it was a really good one we need more like that need a good laugh every now and then

How DRY Is It in Texas ??

A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Lubbock said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

And just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry

Quote from Stumpy

How DRY Is It in Texas ??

A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Lubbock said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

And just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry

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Oh man! That is so true!

keep them coming stumpy i always enjoy a good laugh

i dont know if this will be ok here if its not please remove it.

there is a chicken and a cat standing beside a swimming pool.
the cat falls in and the chicken laughs;
the moral of this story is where there is a wet pussy there is always a cock around.

sorry if this offends anyone