A Friendly Subject

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    hi mrs c


    corny or not it brings back memories of your childhood but we sang it slightly different where as you had dump we had loo things we kids did makes you gringe now :lol:


    corny or not had a good laugh


    cheers smokey


    ps did you ever make up a song for the mosco olyimpics we did but not suitable for a family site like this :lol:

    " its not all black and white, but different shades of grey"

    Here is a list for us midwesterners. I especially like number 6!!!





    The Rural Midwest.....



    Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
    Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin,
    Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, and South Dakota, those
    states Tourist Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In
    an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list
    will be handed to each driver entering the state:


    1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
    breakfast than you do all week in the gym.

    2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
    going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I
    need it...not just to keep up with the neighbors.

    3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
    Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

    4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
    your butt whipped ... by our women.

    5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
    flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
    little trout you fish for -- bait.

    6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.


    7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
    final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
    your ear at the time.

    8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
    you pay for one drink at the airport.

    9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
    it rare. Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of
    ham and turkey.

    10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
    over ice!


    11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're
    real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use
    two weeks a year.

    12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
    it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

    13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because
    they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

    14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi
    and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

    15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
    it? Interstate 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstate 29, 35 & 55 go
    north & south. Pick one and use it accordingly.

    16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
    religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

    17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
    Understand the concept?

    18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks
    the fish.

    19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving
    like an idiot ... his name is "Sir" ... no matter how old he is.

    Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have corn
    to plant.

    Life is hard, its even harder when your stupid!!
    -John Wayne

    Quote

    Originally posted by SXViper@Jul 22 2005, 05:35 PM
    16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
    religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

    [snapback]19352[/snapback]


    When friends moved to Colorado in October of 1994, they were amazed that business came to a screeching halt upon the opening of elk season :lol: !


    And as long as we're here, we want to share this little story by Paul Harvey - Chilibill, you will really appreciate this -


    Paul Harvey and his wife apparently spend some time each year in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area of Arizona. When they first started going there, there was a decidedly Western flavor wherever they went. As the years passed, that was lost to a more generic, modern appearance, with quaint Western places becoming fewer and farther between, giving way to multi-story malls and the like.


    Recently, while Mr. Harvey was in Arizona, dressed to the hilt in his best Western attire (including boots, hat, big-buckled belt, and bolo tie), he was approached by a couple who couldn't get over the fact that they were seeing him. They asked if they could take pictures with him (which he allowed, vainly -in his own words - believing that they recognized who he was). Then they asked him for his name and address so they could mail him copies of the pictures :wacko: . They said they were from Connecticut and had been in Arizona for a week, and he was the first real cowboy :cowboy: they had seen! (Obviously, Chilibill must have been out of town that week :D .)


    Chester :newyear: and the Mrs. :angel1:

    A Russian, an American and a blond were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
    The blond said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
    To which the blond replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!" :headbonk:
    Cheers - Jay :D

    Cheers - Jay:beer:
    "Not hardly!!!"

    An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potatao garden, but it was hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


    Dear Fred,
    I am feeling bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over for me.
    Love, Dad


    A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son.


    Dear Dad,
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
    Love, Fred


    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Fred


    Cheers - Jay :lol:

    Cheers - Jay:beer:
    "Not hardly!!!"




    These are great! I have one that I read in our church bulletin several years ago. The bulletin typist accidently left out a "g" when writing: "Wednesday evening prayer service starts at 7:00 pm. Please come and join us for a time of prayer and sining." I think the whole congregation got a laught out of that!

    "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I require the same from them" It may be time worn, but it's the best life-creed I know.

    OK, another email funny to share! I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time.


    Enjoy!


    Mrs. C :angel1:



    Things to ponder....


    Can you cry under water?


    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


    If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


    Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?


    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


    What disease did cured ham actually have?


    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


    If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?


    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


    How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for MissAmerica?


    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


    If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?


    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?


    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"


    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


    When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?


    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


    What do you call male ballerinas?


    If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


    Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?


    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


    Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

    OK, Ladies, here's one for us :lol: !


    Mrs. C :angel1:


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Eve's side of the story


    After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.


    "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
    "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.


    "That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."


    And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.


    "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"


    "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."


    God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see... where did I put that useless boob?"


    Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?

    I was testing the children
    in my Sunday school class
    to see if they understood the concept
    of getting to heaven.
    I asked them, "If I sold my house
    and my car,
    had a big garage sale
    and gave all my money
    to the church,
    Would that get me into Heaven?"


    "NO!" the children
    answered.
    "If I cleaned the church
    every day, mowed the yard,
    and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


    Again, the answer was, "NO!"
    By now I was starting to smile.
    Hey, this was fun!
    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals
    and gave candy
    to all the children,
    and loved my husband,
    would that get me into Heaven?"


    I asked them again.
    Again, they all answered, "NO!"
    I was just bursting with pride for them.
    Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


    A five-year-old boy shouted out,
    "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."






    I thought this was worth bringing back this thread..... :D





    Baby Sis


    :cowboy::cowboy::cowboy:

    "Give me a man like Duke Wayne"...Marueen O'Hara

    As they say, "Out of the mouth of babes." Thanks for sharing that and giving me a smile, Baby Sister. :D Mark

    "I couldn't go to sleep at night if the director didn't call 'cut'. "

    Wow, it's been over two months since anyone posted in this thread! Are we getting too serious around here?? :lol:


    Here's one I thought y'all might get a laugh from.



    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona -


    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.


    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.


    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.


    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.


    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.


    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.


    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.


    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.


    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.


    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


    WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. :rolleyes:



    HAHAHA, Good one Chester!!!!

    Life is hard, its even harder when your stupid!!
    -John Wayne

    Hi


    Talking about golf:-


    two men are playing a round of golf up ahead they see two women playing. One man turns to the other and says do you mind if we go on ahead of them. the other man asked why and he replied its rather embarrasing one of those woman is my wife and the other is my mistress.
    The other man looks at the two women turns to his friend and says


    What a coincidence.



    Regards


    Arthur

    Walk Tall - Talk Low